As a child, certain activities seemed so impossibly cool, you could barely dare to dream about them -- like winning the World Series, or swordfighting to the death, or actually kissing a girl. Well, can't-hit-a-fastball virgin, here comes the Academy Of Arms.

Specializing in centuries-old swordsmanship, the AOA was started by a master fencer, apparently aware of the cognitive dissonance of screaming in French every time he attacked. The school's opening with two classes: English Broadsword, focusing on a defense-oriented one-handed technique, or, for the more aggressive, German Longsword, for men who refuse to acknowledge that "girth is where it's at". Rise to the intermediate level and you'll have the option of learning a secondary weapon, i.e., quarterstaff for the Broadsword, or a dagger for the Longsword: a full ninja-turtles arsenal, minus the nunchuks (though being a party dude, Michelangelo can't be expected to show up for classes).

AOA'll soon offer Italian-style swordplay (with grappling!), and on Saturdays, AOA hold open practice in a local park -- if your public display of medievalism doesn't impress the ladies...thank God you stole Mike Scioscia's credit cards.