Much like duct tape fixes anything, and aspirin can cure any ill, if you want to make any food delicious...fry it! Enacting that bold plan, The Battery.
From a family of Cork emigrees, The Battery's Boston's first "authentic Irish chipper", serving up homemade battered & fried deliciousness from behind a custom-made fryolator and cooling counter, in a sleek, stainless-steel and wood setting outfitted with 15 hopefully sturdy seats. The arterial onslaught starts with hand-cut "chips" in eleven styles (from homemade garlic mayo, to curry/mayo, to cheese/coleslaw) that're also available as a "Chip Butty", which is just chips in a bun (though does "French Fry Sandwich" really sound that much worse than "Chip Butty"?). Entrees start with old-school fish 'n chips in two styles of white fish (pollack or haddock) and then quickly move on to "traditional favorites" like freshly mashed fried potato pies (cheese/onion, or thyme/parsley), battered sausage, even battered burgers, suggesting that hamburgers are really a gateway fat.
For those who can't handle the pain, they've also got normal burgers and chicken sandwiches, which you can wash down with UK favorites like Club orange/lemon soda, Gatorade-esque Lucozade, even their popular kid's fruit drink Ribena -- moderate your glee as you drink it, as nothing can fix an infantilized fat man.