Men have a complicated relationship with shopping. We want to look tragically handsome, but hate selecting and buying the gear to get us there. Worse, the more we shop, the less we can spend on our other signature look, glassy-eyed drunkeness. The solution: Bergdorf's Vodka Saturdays.

Bergdorf Goodman, the preferred shopping destination for trophy wives and the Sultan of Brunei, will be showcasing Jil Sander, Marc Jacobs, and free vodka between 2 and 5pm, Saturdays this fall. By your fourth double vodka rocks, instead of trudging disconsolately from section to section sober, you'll actually have fun "browsing" -- much like other activities you only enjoy while drunk, like dancing in clubs, and spending holidays with family.

Bergdorf boozing will also:

• give you the liquid courage to stand up to Bergdorf's cunning salesmen as they subtly link your professional failings to your fondness for the Sale Rack.
• dull the agony of squandering the cash you'd set aside for your dream vacation to Hedonism II.
• make you think that you really can pull off that vest.

Even if you're adamantly opposed to buying "the perfect fall blazer", you can still try on expensive garments and pretend they're yours. The lust your borrowed finery and drunken braggadoccio will inspire in female shoppers should secure you phone numbers, email addresses, and at least one commitment to meet in an empty changing room. So whether you're buying or lying, Vodka Saturdays will make you the best-dressed glassy-eyed drunk in town.