Breaking up is a nuisance. Instead of just saying "It's over", you have to explain yourself; worse, you generally have to do it in person, which can involve tears and violence. To dissolve your relationship without effort or proximity, commission a breakup letter from Samara O'Shea.

For considerably less money than a "breakup lunch", Samara will compose you a bulletproof case, preemptively defusing your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend's counterarguments, and making it look like you actually put some thought into things before deciding to pull the plug. The process is laughably effortless: you tell Samara the specifics -- your dating history, your many grievances -- and give her a deadline (if you really can't take it anymore, next-day service is available).

Rates are determined by word count: $15 for 200-300 words, $20 for 300-400, $25 for 400-500, up to $20,000 for a stirring breakup novella. Then you simply drop your adios in the mail, pack your pending ex's sleepover supplies in a 12-pack carton, and drop it on the curb.

Always the naive dreamer, Samara also offers these services:

• Apology Letters: for if you get caught


• Love Letters: for when you haven't had sex for months, and are willing to try anything


• Bios: for presenting your accomplishments to future breakup letter recipients

Obviously, the breakup letter's the most valuable, especially if you're intent on deading things pre-February 14th -- when only an unfeeling monster could do it in person, but any clued-in coward can pull it off with the written word.