While there'll always be a medium-sized part of you that wants to be a ninja, making the transition from lowly civilian to phantom warrior can be time-consuming and self-mutilatory. Thank Sweet Dojo Jesus, NinjaLessons.com is here.

NL is an online subscription service provided by Bujinkan New York Dojo, one of the oldest and most reputable ninja training facilities in...Bronxville, NY. It offers access to articles, audio tutorials, video lessons in ninjitsu basics, and steamy ninja chat rooms.

As you progress, you'll learn how to successfully grapple with free-swinging bullies and execute paralyzing throat strikes. Plus, there's an introduction to weaponry that'll help you avoid bashing your head with nunchaku or chopping off your foot with a sword.

If you decide you want to become more than a web-trained ninja, NL provides a list of ninjitsu schools all over the United States -- even one in Bronxville, NY. But if you lack basic technique, a silent killer's mindset, or access to Japanese people, Ninja Lessons is the place to start.