Barroom pool affords otherwise unimpressive men the opportunity to be cocky squires -- a fine thing, until you lose. To ensure that never happens again, take lessons with local legend Fran Crimi.

Fran's list of on-felt accomplishments is as long as your list of aching defeats. One of only nine Billiard Congress of America "Master Instructors", the 20+ year tour pro has served as president of the Women's Professional Billiard Association, played with legends Willie Mosconi and Minnesota Fats, and, for Carlito's Way, taught Al Pacino how shoot a cue ball straight into a man's forehead.

Some of what Fran can teach you:

• Proper alignment: Most people play pool from the waist up, but as with golf, it's really about lower body positioning. Unlike golf, it's not about visors.
• Stroke timing: Shooting with proper speed and force is crucial. Likewise, you should always pull back on the cue with smooth consistency, even if there's a drunk girl's ass in the way.
• Mental Progression: Shot calculations must be made in a particular order. Aligning your feet before deciding where the cue ball's going is like hanging a Bruce Lee poster before erecting a house.

In just one hour-long session, Fran can show these skills, plus those you'll need to hustle the money for another 2hrs of training (she recommends three lessons minimum). Once you've graduated, you can be a cocky jackass all over town. Fran will remain unimpressed.