Valentine's Day's an opportunity to show your girlfriend that you're the Prince Charming her mom wants her to breed with. Instead, be the chip-toothed jaywalker she wants to breed with, and hit Lucha VaVOOM.

Lucha, The Mayan's thrice-yearly faux-Mexican wrestling/burlesque extravaganza, is a male/female/midget bacchanalia of body-slamming and violent beer tricks. Treat your soulmate to a ticket and she'll also enjoy intra-round pastied entertainment by the Buxoticas and black/blue commentating from comedians such as Patton Oswald, whose ringside riffing is as uproariously funny as his current "King of Queens" gig is fat.

Entertainment's not limited to the ring: audience members get in on the costumed act too, providing a great excuse to don your brandy-stained Elvis jumpsuit. Ultimately, you'll know where you stand with your lady, whether she ditches you downtown or downtowns your ditch.

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