Valentine's Day is a tyranny of Hallmark-fueled suckage. You have just one month to plan something, so take action now with options that'll give you the best returns on your shotgun chivalry.

Chicago: For the Love of Chocolate
Feb 10, tickets $95 per person at ForTheLoveOfChocolate.org
Life is like a box of chocolates -- you never know if you'll ever have sex again. Hedge your bets with a night of Candyland-ish romance including chocoholic sculptures, cacao-couture, and plenty of other sticky fun perfect for all but the most diabetic lady. As a nice-guy bonus, the event raises money for inner-city kids with culinary aspirations possibly grown out of subway M&M peddling.

Nationwide: Tom Jones (or Robert Goulet)
Prices available by contacting StarLinkProductions.com
StarLink Productions can arrange an intimate concert with just about any crooner you'd see on stage at The Nugget -- from Tom "Its Not Unusual" Jones, to Robert "Just Don't Bite It" Goulet, to the sadder-than-an-E!-True-Hollywood-Story men who make a living impersonating them. $50,000 and up for an evening of TJ is a hefty fee, but much less than the legal bills from the time you kidnapped him.

Palm Springs, CA: Sunrise Balloon Rides
$569 with overnight stay; book at SunriseBalloons.com
Beautiful country views, a champagne toast, and the semi-sexual fear of death... Sunrise's package includes a night at a rustic local inn, plus 60-to-75 minutes soaring over Temecula Wine Country and drinking bubbly out of souvenir flutes that you'll later hurl into the Temecula Wine Country.

Nationwide: Magic of Romance Luxury Travel Concierge
Contact a planner at MagicOfRomance.com
If you grow bewildered setting up anything more complicated than endless riblets at Applebee's, consult Magic of Romance. A phone call (and vast personal wealth) gets you and yours a customized over-the-top experience, whether it's a trip to the Carnival of Venice, costumed ball-hopping in Europe, or any other whimsical logistical nightmare whose successful navigation is guaranteed to make her not leave you in several weeks.

New York City: Engagements on Ice by The Rink at Rockefeller Center
$200, reserve at Rapatina.com
If you don't grow incontinent at the thought of a goonish, public proposal, purchase alone time on the world-famous Rock Center rink, complete with your cued-up slow jam of choice. Added benefit: all the moony tourist girls watching will know you're the marrying kind -- even as you forfeit your sexual freedom.