Gear: Nike Air Woven AP
Pre-order by May 20 at Kix-Files.com
These basketesque Nikes are Asia-only and offer all the comfort of a sneaker with all the panache of smashing your foot through a Mondrian. Colors are Tarheel'd grey/Carolina blue and "Pistachio Rainbow" -- sherbet-chic that'll make keeping your foot out of your mouth even tougher than when you attended the Special Olympics.

Services: Bathroom Diaries
Find a decent sh*tter on TheBathroomDiaries.com
BD is a database of 12,000+ public bathrooms with ratings, spanning crappers in 100 countries. Who knew something so useful could come from seven years of "logging" strange toilets?

Gear: Monsoon Canvas Crossbody Bag
$50 from Monsoon.co.uk
Lugging around your laptop's a periodic necessity, but looking like you're there to fix someone's router isn't. Walk tall with a khaki, pocketed canvas bag that'll have you profiling like an archaeologist/adventurer instead of Geek Squad reject.

Services: SomeECards
Send a harsh email greeting at SomeECards.com
Since an e-greeting's guaranteed to piss off its recipient anyway, cut to the chase with SEC's classic breakup message: "You've been distant since the sexual harassment suit", or the sentiment, "At a time like this, you should probably rent Caddyshack" for your suicidal friend Chevy Chase.

Gear: Boo Boo Walker
$18 for t-shirt, $40 for hoody at GoApeShirts.com
Whether you're a fan of ironic graphic mashup, or a veterinarian in training, sporting a tee with an Imperial Walker wearing a dog's lampshade collar sends the important message that even terrifying vehicles of destruction can be subject to painful, post-neutering convalescence.