Gear: Naked & Angry Ties
$95 and up at NakedAndAngry.com (scroll down)
100% silk, handmade Father's Day staples from the cunning experts behind Threadless. Each tie's individually numbered and comes in a hand-built, hardwood, satin-lined box sure to impress him even as it evokes the myriad hamsters he ushered into backyard interment.

Grooming: Kama Sutra Condoms
$10.70 for a pack of 5 at Atypyk-E-Shop.com
You've gotten yourself into a condom, but what now? Check the glow-in-the-dark wrapper for one of the 64 positions pictured for inspiration. Then re-arouse, re-condom, and repeat the whole blue-ballin' process.

Gear: Attus Apparel Shot Up Polo
$100 from AttusApparel.com
Nothing says, "I'm an extra from Commando!" like rocking a shirt that's been demonstrably blasted up with shotguns, 357 magnums, and 45s. To verify the process, check the site for video weirdly described by Attus as "serious", though better described as "disappointingly John Matrix-free".

Gear: Keep Sunnies
$5 from KeepCompany.com
Those classic, Day-Glo legged sunglasses you sported as a teenager're back -- still cheap, still fluorescent, and still unlikely to survive being sat on by the fat kid.

Drinks: Bar Briefcase
$720 from UnicaHome.com
A fifth of vodka in a backpack's bottom is fine and good for a teenage miscreant, but a grownup miscreant needs a more elegant -- and capable -- hooch caddy. This aluminum briefcase hides a 14-piece satin stainless steel bar set, giving you the power to distract everyone in the meeting from your atrocious, swear-laden PowerPoint with a fresh round of Ramos Fizzes.

Bacon: Mo's Bacon Bar
$7 from VosgesChocolate.com
Applewood smoked bacon + Alder smoked salt + milk chocolate = the only confection to give hamburger pudding a run for its money.