LA claims to be undergoing a pizza renaissance, but with gourmet restaurants putting the Thai chicken before the sauce, the basics are lost in doughy translation. Bringing archetypal pizza out West: Joe's, opening this afternoon.

In 1975, Joe's started out in NYC, where it's as revered as In-N-Out (though ordering "Animal Style" will get you attacked by pigeons). Here as there, their specialty's thin crust by the pie or slice, cooked in a 500°, Bakers Pride oven, and guaranteed to taste 100% the same as the stuff that Rudy Giuliani lived on when wives #1 and 3 kicked him out. Standard toppings include pepperoni, onions, garlic, and meatballs, plus more elevated offerings like the classic Caprese (fresh mozz, basil, tomatoes) and the triple-layered "Grandma" -- parmesan-on-marinara-on-mozzarella, an ode to senile women who forget they've already cheesed as soon as they sauce.

Asked whether he's abetting his authenticity with imported tap water, Joe himself demurs with "You just gotta taste the pizza" -- a debate-fueling statement perhaps signifying the onset of an LA vagueness renaissance.

Check out the menu at JoesPizza.com