The best way to learn an exotic culture is total immersion -- like stomping grapes at an Italian vineyard, or stomping goulies at an English footie match. Immerse yourself in the magical land of Cincinatti, at Cinners, open tomorrow.

Owned by an Ohio expat, Cinners is a red- and black-hued Cincinatti chili parlor replete with Hudepohl beer cans, photos of Reds icons (Joe Nuxhall, Frank Robinson), and a hand-painted fridge that, after months of agonizing debate, was dubbed The Big Red Machine. The main event's served traditional 3-way style (over spaghetti, topped w/ a mountain of mild cheddar), or add red beans/raw onions for 4- and 5-way; the recipe comes from Cincy's first parlor, via the owner's beat-cop great-granddad (because nothing facilitates busting purse-snatchers like daily heapings of sweet beef). Even the booze is reverential, from actual imports (Little Kings Cream Ale in 7oz bottles) to specialty cocktails like the "Red Leggs" (Amaretto, Crown, Chambord, SoCo, cran) and the Captain/orange vodka-fueled "Who-dey?", strong enough to make you Shuffle in an imaginary end zone, then blow out your ACL and lose your job to Harold Green.

To complete the experience, Cinners is hawking disturbing amounts of themed gear, from tees to track jackets to baby clothes -- you'll know your kid's a citizen of the world when he's sporting a Cinners-branded, martini-glass-bedecked body suit, clutching a piping hot bottle of chili.