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There are certain things that define a man's character, like his job, his car, and his hardened, giant wood. Table. Wood table. Get a custom one, plus other serious furniture, from NaturalEdgeAsheville Slabs.

Operating out of Asheville, NC, NEA creates glorious, affordable, custom-designed wood furniture from natural slabs of walnut, maple, cherry, etc, including headboards, tables, shelves, and mantles, started by an ex-tennis pro/landlord breezily named Andy1000, who gets his materials from a nearby sawmill, and who touts his products as "conversation pieces" which have a "sensual, sexual element", and that "women will want to touch it" (shelf: 1, you: 0). To get some wood, shoot an email telling Andy what kind of piece you want, send a photo in the area you'll be furnishing, and he'll collaborate with you to determine look, functionality (coffee v. café table?), and your desired wood type; once you've decided, he'll then cut, sand, and finish things with polyurethane and oil, in lieu of harpoons and beheadings. There're also pre-made pieces for sale online, like a cherry headboard which slightly resembles a long potato chip in everything from single to king size; 3' tall, 18" wide vertical shelves of rich-grained golden locust with light edges; and tables like a 4 1/2-foot-long walnut and glass affair, made of distressed, lightning-struck maple with an open center and heavy-duty glass top, or the 2" thick, four-legged spalted & burled maple crotch table -- reminiscent of the Waffle House nickname you just can't shake.

Smaller jobs like headboards are normally finished in a week, while tables take about two. While all pieces're built to withstand plenty, everything's easily touched up if they get scuffed or watermarked; just get in touch with Mr. 1000 and he'll walk you through the process to sand it and refinish, actions you never thought you'd appreciate relating to your other wood.

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You'll be telling ladies that you are the woodmaster, and it'll finally be true; get your slab started today at NaturalEdgeAsheville.com