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A tiki masterpiece for drinking like you're on vacation all year

Making up for its lack of soccer skills with lots and lots of booze, hidden tiki temple Hale Pele is ready to make Olmec jealous by swinging open its inconspicuous doors on NE Broadway after much anticipation from Hawaiian shirt aficionados since it was announced at Tiki Kon. The dark, neon-drenched bar is packed to its exotic gills with Polynesian decor, from antique spears and an army of gigantic wooden Tiki gods, to a private booth with velvet paintings, an indoor pond complete with fog machine, and a ceiling lined with old buoys and blue blowfish, or what they called Hootie when that chick told him she only wanted to be with someone else. The menu lives up to the look thanks to 20 tropical cocktails (some as big as your head, unless you're Andre the Giant, in which case, even that wouldn't be enough), including the 151 Swizzle w/ said overproof rum & falernum syrup, the bourbon/lime Suffering Bastard, a gigantic concoction served in a pineapple called Boo Loo for Two, and the minty/peachy/rummy Missionary's Downfall, previously known as "literally any other kind of sex". Meanwhile, authentic island fare includes sweet bread from local cart Lilikoi alongside lomi lomi salmon, puaa puaa pork shoulder, koloko moco sausage & eggs, and ahi tuna poke, which sounds like a nice reward for finding Olmec's sister's Hidden Temple.

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