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In a nation where the government is more aggressive about banning trans-fats than assault weapons, the true contrarian-poet fights back with an all-out assault of fat. Join the battle, at Eat at Jumbo's, open now.

Created, like most great restaurants, by a neighborhood commercial real estate expert, Jumbo's does aggressively husky portions of comfort food classics in a yellow-walled 28-seat space featuring curated local art, elaborate liquid-chalk menu boards, charcoal-stained red oak counters, and all the gratis peanuts you can hoover. The gorge starts with heaping half-pound Angus burgers in styles like the Hollywood (fresh cheddar, avocado, crispy bacon) and the Wild West (BBQ sauce, grilled mushrooms, onions), and they'll also get nuts and turn any burger on the menu into a full pound, double-patty version called the Mammoth, probably in hopes of landing a commercial tie-in w/ those hilarious Ice Age movies. Other calorie baths include sandwiches like The Wreck (salami, roast beef, turkey, ham, Swiss) and The Ball Sq Bomb (shaved steak, mushrooms, onions, shrooms, American), hand-tossed thin crusts like the meatball, 'roni, sausage, and hamburger-loaded I Love Meat, and chicken wings and tenders fried and doused in one of 27 homemade sauces, like Cajun, Maple BBQ, and General Gau, which is one of 27 homemade spellings.

Jumbo's is planning to serve draft beer and gelato, and they're already slingin' specialty sides like fried green beans, buffalo ranch fries, and hand-tied garlic knots -- which'll aggressively produce an all-out assault on your dating options.

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Visualize your inevitable weight gain by peeping the full menu at EatAtJumbos.com