Boston

Same As We Ever Was

Bouncers might wield the emasculating power to demean, fluster, or embarrass you in front of groups of fair-to-hot chicks, but at least you've always been able to find solace in the fact that they're dumb. Robbing you even of that, Same As We Ever Was.

From a People's Republik doorman/"soulless editorial vagabond", SAWEW features the kind of brilliant stream-of-conscious invective that every man-writer claims they'd excel at, if only their editor/English teacher would stop stifling their "voice". Some nuggets:

• Professional Athletes: "Warren Sapp was one of my favorite football players...one morning while drunk-driving a rental car from the used gun shop to the titty bar, I heard Sapp on the classic rock station all pissed because caller 14 got Aerosmith tickets and he was caller 15. I got no use for the ‘Smith myself, but if you’re a 22-year-old black millionaire distraught over the prospect of missing "Sweet Emotion" live, you’re my man".



• Self-Confidence: "To write a decent novel you need to invent an unbroken string of entertaining but plausible scenarios. I think. I really have no idea what you have to do. I’ve tried everything, most notably staring at a blank screen as I pick at the mustard scabs on my bathrobe while my long-dead tear ducts dry heave over the realization that I’ve let myself become a shell of a man who was only a shell to begin with..."



• Questions Frequently Asked of Bouncers:
  Q: How can I request a song?
  A: Flash the bartender your tits across which you’ve written "I’m sorry for briefly having had the temerity to suggest that I and not you should be in charge of the music. By way of apology please let me make you a sandwich. Is turkey okay? Everyone likes turkey. What’s that? You’d prefer olive loaf, you kinky bastard? Sure, no problem: your bar, your music, your sandwich. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go vacuum your car".

Tentative future plans include a column called "The Sketchy Ethicist", in which the author offers a "semi-serious defense of semi-indefensible activities like cheating on your lady, eating factory-farmed animals, strip joints," even "screwing off at work" -- which, for a bouncer, apparently means neglecting to look smugly menacing while pondering material for a not-dumb blog.

He also admits that he kind of likes Death Cab and that his gf slept with someone in Guster!! Malign your self-worth at SameAsWeEverWas.blogspot.com