Chicago

1400 N Halsted St, at Evergreen; Old Town; 312.337.7601

Sure, buying a motorcycle is crazy, but renting one's perfectly sane, so liberate a bike from CMR's fleet (BMW G650 GS; Honda Aero 750/Nighthawk 250/Rebel 250; Suzuki GZ250/SV650...) via hourly, daily, or weekly rates, with the minimum rental being one hour -- if your ride is cut any shorter than that, you probably owe somebody a motorcycle.

The designer of respectfully tweaked classic gear is offering three heavily discounted “Spring Survival Kits", each named after a Sly character: the $99 “Rambo” (Storm hoodie, blazer, Moto shirt, sweat short, Trickster briefs, down from $442), the $89 “Rocky" (cardigan, blazer, sweat pants, sweat shorts, Trickster briefs, was $267), and the $79 (down from $265) “Cobra”: windbreaker, Havana shirt, Moto shirt, sweat shorts, and Trickster briefs, because everyone knows Stallone wasn't in Commando.

Someone impersonating the Bears' savior is throwing out regular dispatches ranging from questionable boasts (“won't devour anything quite like that until I go against the Lions' secondary”), to dubious tunes (“listening to NOW 30 while searching for a new pad in Chitown online...any suggestions?”), to a slippery grip on reality ("man i'm glad i didnt get traded to Michigan State...good LORD").

From a Chicago "designer, maker, artist, and crafty entrepreneur", these quirkily childish screen-printed tees include two T-Rex numbers (one bellowing forth a “ROAR”, another seemingly sleepwalking while dreaming of bacon), and a drawing of the Milwaukee/Damen/North six-way intersection, with the back reading “meet me at the crotch” -- which is hopefully not as crowded as that intersection, you filthy slut.

Big Ass Jones promises to alleviate your aching dogs, and fry anything your gluttonous heart desires, including cats. What, no hot shave?