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China's going all out to ensure a successful Olympics -- from pounding clouds with rockets to prevent rain, to pounding journalists with rifles to prevent reporting. To ensure your own Games are just as well-planned, hit Sunday's "Beer Olympics" at Mahoney's.

The patriotically boozy Irish pub's hosting a thirty-team six-tathlon, with beer pong, quarters, cornhole, 8-ball, flip cup, and an 18-hole Golden Tee scramble -- where an overzealous trackball spin can break your wrist, causing Béla Károlyi to tenderly carry you to the locker room. Assemble a team of six, choose something to represent via t-shirt and/or costume (country, state, booze brand, Toby Keith, whatever), and once things kick off, your modest entry fee'll give you about 8 hours of gratis domestic athletic equipment (i.e., beer). During the awards ceremony, each event's top three will receive gold, silver, or bronze medals; gold medalists will have their self-picked "anthem" blared, thereby ensuring the winners won't have the rest of their evening weighed down by burdensome self-respect.

As for the best-of-the-best: the overall champs will receive a six-pack of tbd pro sports tickets, plus a gratis package of limo ride and feast at China...town's oldest resto, Won Kow -- where pounding your stomach with Mongolian beef will ensure an early retirement, because you're certainly not drinking any more beer.

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