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Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of cherry-picking the best features from many women in order to create perfection -- but so far, only Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith have succeeded, and their creation ended up on Celebrity Fit Club. Giving you the next best thing, Topless Apparel.

Studying grad-level organic chemistry before realizing he excelled at drawing boobs, Topless's Pilsen founder makes paintings (and t-shirts of said paintings) by sketching a bevy of nude models, taking the best features from each, and seamlessly repurposing the parts into life-like "innocent or depraved" renderings. The paintings are produced by a four-step process: he rough sketches the perfect lady parts, computer-manipulates the images together, calls on an expert draftsman to blow back the image onto a large grid, and finally hand paints a one-of-a-kind piece; each ultra-lady's also given a name, plus a back story to satisfy your hyper-literate, perverted streak ("Vanessa ran away from home when she was 16. She lied about her age so she could perform with the other girls at a place called The Doll House..."). Because he's got to eat, the artiste has also just started selling tagless, 100% ringspun cotton tees featuring the franken-vixens from his paintings, with "Topless" printed across any bare breasts -- so you know, you're totally cool to present at your nephew's grade school career day.

As for future designs, there's a "Test Section" where you can vote on several contenders (including, sadly, a couple of dudes) by clicking "Yes, it tingles" or "No, I'd rather stare at dead puppies". If you experience both feelings simultaneously, the Weird Science is you.

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Nudie, nudie, nudie, nudie, rockin' everywhere at ToplessApparel.com