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How to make prison wine... just in case

Maybe you're getting ready for your friend's annual Oz Christmas party, or maybe you're just counting the days until The Man comes down on you for all those jaywalking tickets, but at some point it's important that everybody learn how to make pruno, aka prison wine -- a DIY booze made of fruit, preservatives, sugar, and moxie that you can cook up in a couple of days. Days you'll no doubt spend sharpening a spoon into something more useful. Like a spork, or whatever.

Step 1: First, take as many oranges as you can get from the mess hall... about 6-10 will do. If you still need to stuff them in a pillowcase to beat on your cellmate, don't worry -- they can be bruised. Peel 'em and toss 'em in a giant Ziploc bag.
Step 2: Next, take a gigantic can of fruit cocktail (two, if you can smuggle them) and dump it, juice and all, into the bag. Save a couple grapes to eat though. They're delicious.
Step 3: Next, you're gonna need some sugar to help the fermentation process. Squirrel away about 60 cubes, then about 4tbsp of ketchup, just for a little acidity in the mix. That's about four packets.
Step 4: Yeast is what makes this crap turn into alcohol, so toss whatever bread you can in there so the yeast'll get the juices boozin'. Don't overdo it: a piece or two should suffice.
Step 5: Since your pillowcase is now devoid of oranges, you're gonna need to use your fists to pound the mixture into a pulp. Be sure to seal your bag first, though, or else your cell's gonna look like you took a shotgun to a garbage can you found outside a Jamba Juice.
Step 6: Put the bag somewhere warm and safe -- maybe the toilet, maybe a sink, maybe a bucket you smuggled in -- and pour warm water over it to help the fermentation. Then either cover it or wrap it in a towel. Each day, repeat the process of pouring warm water over the bag. Do this for 5-7 days.
Step 6.5: Oh sh*t! Yeah, so there's gonna be some gas as this turns into booze. Make sure to leave the bag open a tiny crack or else your Ziploc bag's gonna turn into a tropical time-bomb, which is what got you here in the first place.
Step 7: After about a week, strain the nasty fruit goop. If you can't find a strainer, just shank the bag a bunch of times and... voila! DIY strainer.
The Evil Results: Bada-bing! It looks like Tang. It smells like rotten fruit and booze. So what does the fruit of our cell-block labor taste like?
Imagine brushing your teeth, slamming a glass of grapefruit juice, throwing it all up, then drinking it again, and you're close to the flavor profile of this concoction. Maybe add earwax and a little glue. But hey, it's booze. And it beats the hell out of spending a week in solitary with just water and spork-related fever dreams.

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