On any given night there're plenty of types of terrible people in bars, but New Year's Eve is a special powder keg of people-watching. Whether you're at a pub, restaurant, or old-fashioned house party, it's amateur hour all night long, and even teetotalers are downing bottomless cups of the most intoxicating spirit of all: new beginnings.
Here they are:
The guy leading the Champagne toast
If you drank more, and talked less, maybe you'd have better toasts to give next New Year's Eve.
The big spender
That's funny that you dropped $1,500 on $12 worth of distilled potato, and, apparently, $1,488 worth of cranberry juice.
The open-bar enthusiast
It's a great deal, right? Only have to drink 14 more whiskey-gingers before you offset the cover!
The over-the-top, inappropriate midnight kissers
You realize it's 12:06, right?
The guy who brings the super-hot chick nobody knows
Stop insecurely preventing her from talking to all the new friends you promised her she'd make. Did you really just follow her to the bathroom?
The Instagram documentarian
A New Year's koan: if a champagne glass is filled in a room and not photographed and given a sweet Amaro filter and #hashtag, did it even happen?
The guy who dropped $120 on a really classy dinner earlier
You didn't even want to attend, did you? There's your first regret of the new year.
The guy who didn't attend the classy dinner & has retroactive FOMO
How does everyone else already have all these inside jokes?!? It's only 10:30!
The fake countdown dude
10! 9! 8!... 9! 10!
The resolution-sharing guy
Oh yeah?! So great to hear that you're planning to start going to the I DON'T CARE.
The ask-you-about-your-resolution girl
This year I hope to do a better job of feigning interest in self-improvement, and your questions regarding it.
The uncomfortable guy in a tie who never dresses up
You're still really not dressed up, but your friends will be forced to spend the night affirming that you are, in fact, dressed up and it's totally your look.
The DJ who plays "Auld Lang Syne" at midnight
Probably getting paid very well.
The DJ who plays Daft Punk's "One More Time" at midnight
Probably getting laid.
The DJ who plays anything else at midnight
Probably a chump.
The guy throwing a party that's gotten way out of control
Where did that dude find that stuffed water buffalo he's riding? And why is everyone trying to light fires in that oil drum in the den?
The guy throwing a poorly attended party
It's okay -- there's a lot of other stuff going on, man. And that other stuff is mostly happening at Mark's house. We're going to head over there if the firemen haven't already shown up to put out that oil drum fire.
The obliterated barefoot girl
Those heels are as lost as she is.
The guy looking for an after-party
Anywhere will do.
The single girl on the dance floor at 11:55
Anyone will do.
The single guy on the dance floor at 11:55
Suddenly making eye contact with every girl in sight.
The single guy on the dance floor at 11:59:59
Suddenly very interested in his phone.
His NYE is two nights later at a service industry party.
Now you see them, now you don't. Wait, they're back!
All the girls standing in line for the bathroom
The person who watches the ball drop on TV
Congratulations, you're the last of your kind.
The person who "isn't doing New Year's this year"
There's more to this person's story, and you don't want to ask.
Dan Gentile is a staff writer on Thrillist's National Food and Drink team who recently purchased a very nice toaster oven and is excited about exploring the world of crispy reheated food. He also enjoys hating mustard. Follow him to pots of gold/Twitter at @Dannosphere.