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Harvard jerks say bacon decreases fertility

Sara Norris

Some jerks at Harvard have released a study finding that eating processed meat -- including bacon -- decreases a man's fertility. Meanwhile, the study also states that eating whitefish will increase your virility.

"Thanks a lot, a-holes", said everybody.

According to the study (which used 156 men having trouble conceiving to come to this terrible conclusion), men who consume one thin, delicious slice of bacon per day have lower sperm counts. Those who consume less than a slice a day have as much as 30% more juice in the tank.

Also contributing to your future children's demises are all processed red meats, including sausage, hamburger, and sweet, delicious ham. Instead, the study implies eating stuff like halibut will get the boys a-swimmin', but will totally ruin your McMuffin.

No word whether the study was underwritten with generous funding from fishermen, but Britain is expected to declare a state of emergency at any moment.

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