Ahhh, college. It's where children blossom into adults, and then keep blossoming into larger and larger adults, because the main point of most nights is to eat two entire pizzas, plus a side of pizza, at 3am.
But we can't go back, no matter how hard we petition the admissions office at DeVry. So instead, we took 25 of the drunkest schools -- Playboy's 10 Top Party Schools of 2013, plus a handful of others famous for an extreme aversion to sobriety -- and rounded up glorious tales of consumption. Then we assembled them in a format that in no way hilariously mimics any food guide that has existed in the form of a little red book you keep in your bathroom.
Enjoy... until the acid reflux sets in.
Ray's Red Hots
Ray’s Red Hots
“The old Red Hot Lovers” is now Ray’s Red Hots, but the place is “still seriously legit”. The namesake dogs, including the “Snap Casing” and the “Reuben Dog”, are “quite dank”, but the “Half-and-Half with cheese” (a “mound of curly fries, a pile of thick-cut onion rings, and a melted-on-the-spot cheddar cheese topping”) is “barf if you’ve been drinking a lot, but good barf”. “I lived on the adjacent street for two years, and during that time went here 195821941014 times, give or take”.
BTB Burrito, Fleetwood Diner, Pizza House
“That Chevron With Chicken-on-a-Stick”
“By far the most famous late-night eating spot in Oxford”, this “gas station -- I mean, it’s a damn gas station” “right off the square where everyone gathers when the bars close at midnight” is “a legend for only one thing”: “a massive growth of greasy fried chicken that would kill a T-Rex, on a skewer”. Except for one guy “who always went for the egg roll, just to be different or something”.
Runners-Up: “Literally the only food I remember from that town is Chicken-on-a-Stick”
“Covered in graffiti” and offering “a plethora of seating”, “Chuck’s Café, according to Foursquare, or Hungry Chuck’s, according to my bank statements” will happily serve you “the best bar food in the world”. Friday brings “$4 pitchers, which you HOUSE, and then it’s time to eat”, and the “BBQ chipotle chicken tenders”, “skirt steak sandwich”, and “the $2 fries” are “the best things ever”. “I want them to cater my wedding”.
Runners-Up: Wings over Syracuse, Sliders Burgers and Belgian Fries, Cosmos Pizza & Grill
“The reason Texans hate Mexican food everywhere else” is “honestly the best chain of any kind on the planet”, and also “walking distance from frat parties, and if you don't dress well, co-op parties”. The “24-hours” joint is equipped with “a salsa bar -- I once made an all-salsa taco”, but “just order the queso and house-made tortillas” which “should be purchased by the dozen” and will “cause your testicles to explode”. Also, “one time someone stole a big-screen television from the dining area” and ”Sean Elliot once did a super-weird commercial for them that I can't find anywhere on YouTube”.
DoubleDave’s Pizzaworks, Magnolia Cafe
This “true diner” is the “only 24-hour joint in Athens other than Waffle House”, and is “famous for having every burger, shake, and patty melt under the sun”, in addition to a “ridiculous double-decker grilled cheese with bacon”. Decor is highlighted by “vintage comic books and soda bottles” that “people tried to steal every time they went” before realizing “they were in a glass case”, and so “swiped a ketchup bottle instead. I woke up with one in my purse once, and I don't even like ketchup that much.”
Little Italy Pizzeria, mainly because “in 2005, they discovered it was basically doubling as a meth lab. I'm not sure they cooked it there, but he dealt it. It was a big story in the Red and Black
New York Roma Pizza
“The old Groovy’s” in Coconut Grove is now “New York Pizza”, “the only pizza spot left in what passes for a college bar scene in Miami”. You may “get in multiple physical altercations there” when someone tries “the old ‘chat-and-cut’ move”, but the “slice with all the meat on it” is “totally worth it”, even though one time “some teacher stood in the doorway blocking everyone” and “proclaimed that he was a goddamn veteran of the United States Effing Marine Corps,” and “threatened to take down anyone who dared insult the integrity of that line”.
Runner-Up: El Mago de Las Fritas
Even though its circular wares are “good at all times -- not just while drunk”, this “iconic” bagel shop run by “a friendly group of Ithaca townies who are just dying to partake in the college fun” is a “late-night fixture”. The “HUGE menu” is highlighted by “next-level pizza bagels -- Tuscan verde, chicken melt, etc”, and also interestingly features “pitchers of beer and sangria”. “Stories abound” of people “having sex” or “just plain-old puking” in the bathrooms, and at least one fine patron has “peed a pizza box, right in front of a cop. That didn’t go so well.”
College Town Pizza, Hot Truck
This “super-greasy, design-your-own-burger shop” in a “little corner shopping center next to the strip of bars” will “let you stack up to 10 patties on a single burger” and “you also get to choose as many toppings and sauces as you want”, like the “Double Tasty with cheese, bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato, hummus, ranch, dijon mustard, and hot sauce”. It’s also “one of Gainesville's top pick-up spots… seriously” and “hands-down the most fun line in town”, especially when “your friends start passing out left and right because of the wait -- so be ready to abandon them to get your burger”.
Five Star Pizza, Larry’s Giant Subs
"You can’t spell Chano's without nachos", but this “little Mexican dive” “right next to frat row” is also “really the only possible choice” for “chicken quesadillas smothered in sour cream” and “holy-sh*t carne asada fries”. “Outdoor seating” and a “drive-thru no one from USC ever uses ‘cause they’re always too hammered to drive when going there” add to the SoCal ambience, and the place is thankfully “not quite into the ‘hood enough to get you shanked”. And, best of all, it’s “for everyone”: “I went to film school and was not in a frat, but nobody wanted to beat me up there.”
“There are seriously no runner-ups -- ask any Trojan”
“The dirtiest dump ever” serves the most “rubbery, oily, desperate slice of pizza you could ever imagine”, which “will 100,000% give you the worst heartburn the next day” but “it’s so worth it”. “The guy who runs it always hits on college girls and gives them free pizza and stuff” and “flashing him might work”; otherwise, just watch “every single weird thing ever go down” as you put back “some slices and zucchini sticks”.
Plato's Diner, Cluck-U Chicken, D.P. Dough
Hop on the “line to the drive-thru that stays open until 4am” and “wait loudly” for your “Gut Box with extra Gut Sauce”: “chicken fingers, greasy crinkle-cut fries, sweet coleslaw, and buttery Texas toast”. Said sauce is “light pink and probably just a mix of mayo, ketchup, Worcestershire, and a sh*t-ton of garlic powder and pepper”. It’s also “the source of urban legends”: “you can use it as axle grease”, “one time a pledge chugged a gallon and had to go to the ER”, and “someone’s friend’s cousin had to get porcelain veneers because it removed all the enamel from her teeth”. “Don’t you dare go there sober -- it will ruin your world view.”
Gordos, Mr. Roboto Tokyo Grill
“Right on the strip”, this “permanent version of a New York peanut stand” is “can’t even fit a cook if the cook is fat” small and only manages room for “a couple random benches”. It’s “all about the Messy Fries”: “French fries swimming in nacho cheese” -- just be sure to “get at least a billion napkins -- they are ungodly messy”. After ordering at the window, “grab a seat and get ready to wait outside for a while,” as “the name is a bigger lie than Al Gore inventing beards”.
Runners-Up: Buffalo Phil’s, City Cafe, and Mr. T: “this guy who comes right into the bars and sells $2 BBQ sandwiches”
This “fairly nice-looking place if you didn't look too closely at the rugs” will “turn any meal into a wrap”, “also known as a ‘ski’”. “No, I don’t know why.” Get yourself an “absolutely huge” “AK Ski with fried chicken, hot sauce, and ranch”, but be careful: “they blacklist people's phone numbers who ordered delivery, then passed out before it got there”, leaving it to “become a game of figuring out who WASN'T blacklisted when you want an Aloha Ski after a long night”. “They also have ridiculously good chocolate chip cookies.”
Time-Out Restaurant, Hot Dogs & Brew, Artisan Pizza Kitchen
The White Spot
The “hilariously inadvertent comment on the school's lack of diversity” is “famous for one thing only”: the “Gus Burger”, which is “basically just a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top”, and “is not/never was made by a dude named Gus”. Bolder eaters may opt for the “Double Gus”, while watching “freshmen carry out a rite of passage: milling around hoping someone finds their gluttony attractive enough to take them home”. “This works approximately never, but you can get your hands on a Gus Burger approximately always.”
Runners-Up: Littlejohn’s New York Deli, Christian’s Pizza
Are U Hungry/Sandwich U
“Also known as Sandwich U”, this joint sells “souvenir shirts that say ‘Have you had a Fat Bitch lately?’, not that I own one or anything”, but the real deal is the “just silly-big sandwiches”, including said Fat Bitch, as well as the “Fat Blunt and the Fat Bastard”. “They shove in everything imaginable” -- “gyro meat, mozz sticks, chicken fingers, eggs” -- and “out comes someone who needs a wheelbarrow to get home”.
Casa D’Amici, Pita Pit, “that hot dog truck thing”
“Slices bigger than your head even if you’re some freak with a really huge head” are the featured item at this joint “in the little drunk/hungover-person Nirvana of a shopping center” that “also has Dot’s Diner”. “Really super-stoned people -- not just drunks!” line up for slices that’re “basically just vehicles for the spicy ranch”, which “is also sold by the mason jar if you need to get your severe acid reflux on at home, too”.
Tra Ling’s Oriental Cafe, “Smelly Deli” (University Hill Market & Deli)
Jin’s Chicken & Fish
This “piece of crap cart next to all the frats on Langdon” is “almost definitely run by the dude from Lost, although he looks different”, and peddles “sandwiches that will make you regret ever going to college the next AM”. “I literally never heard of anyone who got the fish”, but the “fried chicken with mayo and Frank’s is beyond delicious… I think” -- “my entire night used to be about raising $4”. When that doesn’t work out, though, it’s not over: “we did card tricks for sandwiches one time, but that only worked for girls”, and it’s important to remember that “flashing always helps, too.”
Runners-Up: Ian’s Pizza, Parthenon Gyros
Mother Bear's Pizza
Mother Bear's Pizza
“Old wooden booths and paneled walls” welcome you into this “institution” with “really affordable pizzas, even for poor people”, all “gently lorded over” by “the manager for, like, 100 years, Wiz” -- “nobody beats her”. The “Divine Swine and Spinoccoli pies” are trusty go-tos, but if you’re really hungry, “just shut up and get the Munchie Madness”, “a package that included a pizza, breadsticks, brownies, and a two-liter”. “If I was an actual bear, and there were no foolish campers cooking bacon, I would come right here.”
Aver’s Gourmet Pizza, Pizza X
Panchero's Mexican Grill
Panchero’s Mexican Grill
“The only thing you need to know about Panchero’s is the Quesadilla Girl video.” “So this girl starts screaming at another girl late-night, then whirls around and hits this dude in the face.” “He proceeds to push her, and then everything goes wild.” “She falls on the floor, and eventually gets up”, but “best of all, after all that”, “she goes behind the counter and demands her damn quesadilla”. “They’re that good.”
Marco's Grilled Cheese, Mesa Pizza, The Pit
Mikey's Late Night Slice
Mikey’s Late Night Slice
“This place means the world to me”, and also does for “countless students who seem like they may never become sober again. Like, biologically”. “The hammered-people food-of-the-moment in Columbus” is “worth the long lines”, and while “the pizza will change your outlook on life and maybe make you run to the bathroom”, “don’t sleep on the Pizza Dawg”, a “giant hot dog filled with meat and cheese, then wrapped with a slice of pizza”. And don’t sleep with
“the Slut Sauce”, which “delivers an awesome tang, but not like astronauts eat” and “should cover your pizza so thoroughly you can’t see anything but Slut”.
PJ’s Sandwiches, Hounddog’s 3 Degree Pizza, Apollos Greek Kitchen
“Most people will claim to absolutely hate El Rancho unless they're drunk”, “and then that happens”, and then “you'll find them at 2am demolishing a plate of steak fajita nachos”. “Right near all the bars”, this “cheap and dirty Mexican food” outpost “is open until 3am” and “will serve you booze all night” -- “it’s the worst idea ever. Seriously, why would they do that?” “The margaritas are huge”, “made with cleaning products”, and “cost, like, a quarter.”
Runners-Up: Shakespeare's Pizza, Broadway Diner
“Basically the Totinos of delivery”, “no sane person would EVER eat this crap sober”, but, “hey, cheap pizza delivered to your door at 2:30am is fantastic”. “Their website hasn't changed since Howard Schnellenberger was OU's coach”, but they’ll still manage to deliver you “sandwiches that are every bit as delicious as their pizzas”. In summation, “it’s way more delicious than the space shuttle, plus it’s still in business”.
The Mont Restaurant, O'Connell's Irish Pub & Grille, Louie's Grill & Bar
Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers
“The original”, which was “started by LSU business students who are now super-rich people” is “all decked out with LSU stuff”, including “much classier tiger-skin walls than normally found in chicken finger establishments”. “Go with the Box”, which is “filled with huge, greasy chicken fingers and fries”, but “be sure to switch out the cole slaw for extra Texas toast” so you can “most effectively sponge up all of the simply ridiculous Cane’s Sauce”. “I have no idea what it is, and honestly I don’t really care”, but “I would drink it with a straw if that’s what it came down to, and I kinda hope that’s what it comes down to”.
Bell's Greek Pizza
Bell’s Greek Pizza
“There's great pizza in East Lansing”, but at 4a, “skip it and go to Bell's”. “Like the dudes in the surrounding frats, it's greasy and Greek”, but “nothing tastes like this pizza” -- "the crust is like a sponge dunked in butter and deep-fried”, “the cheese is sharp and definitely not mozzarella”, and “you can eat the whole thing in two giant bites”. And at $1 a slice, “it's the main contributor to the freshman 15”. They've also got “super-greasy grinders, pasta, and spinach pie”, plus, unlike most eateries in the city, “it's been around since the '60s”, so you can “take your alum dad there and relive memories he doesn't actually remember”.
Georgio's Gourmet Pizza, Jersey Giant Subs, Menna's Joint, Goombas Pizza USA
Oregano’s Pizza Bistro
While “the pizza is pretty good”, especially “the stuffed ones, which weigh about 600lbs a slice”, “I did it all for the Pizookie”. The “massive half-baked soft cookie” is “the finest piece of drunk food ass I’ve ever seen”. Go with “half chocolate chip, half white chocolate macadamia nut”, or the “peanut butter”, but the topper, literally, is “mounds of vanilla ice cream”. “The thing is only five bucks, but it could probably feed a family for weeks, even if they were a really fat family”.
Cheba Hut, Silver Mine Subs