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Fat Kid Fridays, October 4th Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie content

This week's Fat Kid Friday is positively stuffed, just like you will be if you follow its example and gorge yourself on some fried cheesecake, or a burger made out of ground-up bacon, or another burger topped with tender pastrami and swiss cheese and cole slaw and... oh my. Let's let the menu items do the talking here, starting with an unholy marriage of pizza and cookie that I, the author, have personally consumed. Follow in my footsteps if you dare:

6. Papa John's Mega Cookie + Pizza
Papa John's
Approximate Calorie Count: 473 (one slice)
This was a grand experiment that we (read: I) tried when we were reviewing Papa John's (admittedly disappointing) "Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie", which is essentially a very large cookie in an aluminum pan, cut up into eight slices. We also ordered a regular pizza from Pops for comparison, and, of course, someone had to try them both at the same time given the compatibility of their slice shapes. The result was a cheesy, chocolatey, saucy, and ultimately pretty greasy Frankenfood. Would I eat it again? Sure. Would my body be happy? Definitely not. Maybe if it were rebranded as "Cookie Pizza Salad"...
Read our full review of this monster here...
5. Ground Bacon Burger
Nick's Roast Beef Bar & Grille, Philadelphia
Approximate Calorie Count: 987
Most burgers are content with being made out of beef. Not this one. This burger aspires to something greater, and has manifested that goal by being comprised (35%) of ground, smoked pork belly. Also in there? Tomato, lettuce, and sharp Provolone. Nick's also lets you opt for the "Southwestern Twist" with fried pickles, salsa, and jalapenos, or the "More Bacon the Better" with Jamaican jerk bacon and peppers.
The updated menu at this place is pretty boss, and includes caramelized apple cheesecake with bacon-studded crust...
4. The Mac Attack Burger
Rockit Burger Bar, Chicago
Approximate Calorie Count: 1039
Noodle-bunned burgers are all the rage nowadays, kiddos. Ramen, lasagna, you name it! It's crazy! Back in my day... oh, sorry. Got carried away there. Anyway, there's a new incarnation of this trend rearing its head in Chicago, where they've taken two patties made out of mac & cheese, deep-fried them, and stacked black Angus beef, tomato, greens, and Sriracha ketchup between them. See it in all its golden glory in our full story! Hey, that even rhymed.
3. Crispy Deep-Fried Cheesecake
Duffy's Sports Grill, Miami
Approximate Calorie Count: 1123
There was once a guy who looked at a chunk of cheesecake -- which is a cake made out of cheese and sugar, mind you -- and thought to himself, "This isn't insane enough." Then he deep-fried it. The folks at Duffy's Sports Grill may well be that legendary "guy", because they've done it with their extra-crispy version, topped with a dollop of whipped cream, caramel sauce, and mint leaves for garnish. This country truly is grand.
This gorgeous specimen and more are right behind this link...
2. Carnitas Chilaquiles
Mercado, Los Angeles
Approximate Calorie Count: 1239
If you've never experienced the sublime experience that is chilaquiles (which're essentially breakfast nachos), you should remedy this situation RIGHT NOW. We'll wait. OK, are you back? Good. These chilaquiles, though, take things to the next level by incorporating charred-yet-tender pork shoulder along with slices of avocado, two sunny-side-up eggs, a tomatillo salsa, all on a bed of house-made tortilla chips. Now go run out again and get these bad boys.
Awesome pics of their entire brunch lineup, including chorizo & egg tortas, are right this way...
1. The Rachel Burger
Duffy's Sports Grill, Miami
Approximate Calorie Count: 1417
Duffy's Sports Grill, again, takes the top spot with this Megazord of sandwiches -- it's a juicy cheeseburger topped with Swiss, and then adds on a heaping helping of cole slaw and tender, melt-in-your-mouth pastrami to the mix. And -- get this -- it's on a PRETZEL BUN. With this beaut, you'll be able to morph into a very satisfied human being.
We can help you order like a boss at this place, if you follow this link...

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