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Fat Kid Fridays, November 15th Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie content

Much as you should bundle up in layers to fend off the coming cold, so, too, should you armor your insides with the craziest foods this nation's got to offer. So, as a field guide for your ever-raging food hunt, here's Fat Kid Friday -- chock full of calorie-laden eats your stomach will thank you for. This week, we've got everything from a Thanksgiving-and-Hanukkah-themed donut, to a paella with Spam, to, well, maybe just keep reading and you'll find out:

Andrew Zimmer
6. Turkey & Gravy Donut
Zucker Bakery, New York
Approximate Calorie Count: 496
In honor of Thanksgivukkah (it's a real thing, guys), New York hybrid-holiday-embracer Zucker Bakery's rolled out a full line of Thanksgiving & Hanukkah-themed donuts guaranteed to confuse the hell out of your bubbe. This particular spiced pumpkin number (sufganiyot-style, folks!) is filled with shredded turkey and creamy gravy. Kinda makes you sad that Thanksgivukkah only happens once a year every 77,000 years. Major bummer.
They've also got turkey & cranberry and sweet potato & marshmallow!
Andrew Zimmer
5. French Onion Soup Dumplings
Bisutoro, New York
Approximate Calorie Count: 655
Taking the traditional Chinese soup dumpling and giving it a French twist that's not the addition of a beret, Masaharu Morimoto's whisky lounge Bisutoro has filled these tender, steamed dumplings with French onion soup (studded with caramelized onions) in a thin bath of broth, and topped with panko-fried maitake mushrooms and kabocha (that's winter squash) purée. That's right -- the soup is IN THE DUMPLING. This is one bowl you shouldn't/can't slurp down, you philistine.
This Iron Chef's resto's got all sorts of culinary wonders. Check 'em out here...
Joe Starkey
4. Lamb Hash
The Cavalier, San Francisco
Approximate Calorie Count: 794
This is one hash you won't be embarrassed to be caught consuming by your mom -- succulent smoked lamb with olives, celeriac root, a poached egg, and Hollandaise sauce, served aside traditional British-style toast and dusted with greens for garnish. Now please stop walking into our den without knocking, Mumsy!
Anglophiles will go bananas for this place, as it's got all the UK fixins and is serving brunch ALL DAY...
Andrew Zimmer
3. Spam Paella
Danji, New York
Approximate Calorie Count: 978
Spam: it's not just for critically acclaimed Broadway shows anymore. This update's got seasoned fried rice mixed about with bacon, Spam, and kimchi, and then layered with a fried egg. The whole thing's sprinkled with green onions and served on a piping hot iron platter, and'll make you wanna say, "Ni!" And then, you know, something less nonsensical.
You can find even more cool Spam-including dishes right here, if you're into that kinda thing...
Sean Cooley
2. Pekin Duck Breast with Leg Confit
A10, Chicago
Approximate Calorie Count: 984
Turns out it's duck season after all, because A10 in Chicago's dishing out this amazingly tender duck breast and leg confit that's covered in au jus and served with a braised cabbage roll, raisins, and red wine -- wascawwy wabbits be damned.
This is one Chicago restaurant opening you won't want to miss...
Rebecca Feder
1. Green Chili Frito Pie
Session Kitchen, Denver
Approximate Calorie Count: 1092
If you haven't heard of or tried the wonder that is Frito Pie, you best get out there and educate yourself with some hands-on learning. For the already initiated, here's a redux: this green chili version, straight outta Denver, is served in a cast iron skillet (eschewing the traditional Frito bag) and features gorgeous pulled pork and tangy green chili, as well as cheese and -- DUH -- Fritos. It's a Frito Pie for the gourmand in all of us, and probably one of the most un-kosher things that exists on this planet. Just don't tell your bubbe about it at the table this Thanksgivukkah.
Smoked cocktails, piadini, and graffiti -- this place's got it all...

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