You've been freebasing Doritos and burritos for so long, you're beginning to attract raccoons with your scent... time to get healthy. But just because something looks healthy, sounds healthy, and is advertised as healthy doesn't mean it actually is good for you. Just get a load of these seemingly-okay-for-you foods that pack more calories and fat than most of the foods you actually like. Stick to the Doritos. They're healthier for you and they help you attract new friends.
Nuts are healthy, right? So you shouldn't feel bad about quaffing a cup of them instead of your usual snack of a bag of Funyuns dipped in ranch. But the macadamia nut is the devil: said cup's gonna pack about 920 calories into your lazy ass, and garnish it w/ 96g of fat just for good measure. Seriously, you might have better luck just snorting Funyuns.
There's a common misconception that gluten-free means healthy, when in fact it's only true if you have celiac disease and don't want a dinner roll to do you in. "But it still tastes good", says the healthy-looking hippie schilling gluten-free brownies at you… which pack just as much butter and sugar as the regular ones, minus any semblance of fluffiness.
Applebee's Sizzling Skillet Fajitas
It's sizzling veggies, chicken, and tortillas, so how on Earth could a plate of fajitas be bad for you? For evidence, head to Texas and look at the average Tex-Mex patron… or to Applebee's, where the concept of eating good includes shoveling 1310 calories and 48g of fat into you face, then topping it off with a couple bowls of artichoke dip as a reward for thinking you're eating healthy.
Chipotle's Grilled Chicken Salad (w/ guac, sour cream, cheese, beans & brown rice)
So, you're on your fifth Chipotle jones of the day, but you wanna be healthy, so you order a chicken salad… a salad that creeps up to 870 calories and 43g of fat, sneaking suspiciously close to the same intake as that burrito you wish you had ordered every time you take a bite of stupid salad.
Movie Theater Popcorn
You might wonder why so many film critics are lumpy, greasy messes. A large tub of popcorn at most theaters only packs 400 calories if it's not buttered. But since that's not an option, a regular slathering of butter will up that to about 1200 calories. Also, since that's not an option, your extra butter makes sitting through that One Direction movie that you're totally just going to ironically as deadly to your waistline as it is to your ears.
Wendy's Baja Chili Salad
Salad's delicious, and Chili is the most slender and soulful member of TLC, so this seems like the perfect lunch choice, until about 20mins later when you're weighing the consequences of jogging while being plagued by the very un-soulful chili burps that come along w/ consuming 690 calories and 45g of fat that this salad seemingly lied to you about.
Cheesecake Factory's Miso Salmon
Salmon is largely considered to be one of the healthiest foods out there. And Cheesecake Factory's largely considered to be a magical wonderland where even a carrot could kill you at some point. So behold, the tiny Miso Salmon plate, where the whole "miso" part might be code for rendered lard, considering this fish swam upstream to spawn 1673 calories and 39g of fat into the hatchery that is your body.
California Pizza Kitchen Facebook
California Pizza Kitchen Moroccan-Spiced Chicken Salad
Taking a cue from your girlfriend, you decide not to eat pizza at an effin' pizza place, and opt for a salad instead. Good for you, guy who just consumed twice as much fat as two delicious pizzas… 99g, to be exact, in addition to 1500 calories of wasted energy that you could much more easily burn off by masticating two pizzas.
Quiznos Veggie Sub
Unless you're eating a pound of bacon (which you effing should), meat's really not adding that much fat or caloric evil into your diet. But if it makes you feel better, you can opt to order this healthy-looking sub, which has all sorts of flora in addition to 1000 calories and 54.5 grams worth of cheese and oil. Yeah… one pound of bacon on a bun, please.
People eat these chips made of beets, carrots, and yams in lieu of Doritos, because corn apparently doesn't count as a vegetable. Yet Doritos actually pack the same calorie count -- 140 per ounce -- as the popular Terra chips, and lag behind w/ 1g less fat than Terra's 9g. The lesson? The Doritos Loco Taco is totally healthier than veggie-chip nachos. Except probably not.
Red Robin Garden Burger (w/ cheese & avocado on a gluten-free bun)
Instead of a big greasy burger, you decide to order a veggie burger because… well, maybe you've been at the bar all day, or you got hit in the head. What your healthy choice gets you is 42g of fat and 736 calories. Add in RR's signature fries and you've got a 1180 cal to 62g fat ratio. Realize those fries are bottomless and you should book that stomach-stapling immediately.