If dog is man's best friend, why don't we care more about what their snacks taste like? Are those Beggin' Strips really worth beggin' for? Does a Snausage really taste like, uh, snausage? And are gourmet goods from puppy bakeries any different than the classic Milkbone? To find out, we've tasked one of our discerning food editors and his trusty puppy to sample seven classic dog treats, then give their educated, white-tablecloth takes on them... which is to say: here's an idiot and a cute puppy eating crap.
Bocce's Bakery's Chicken Cordon Bleu Bones
Starting out classy! This gourmet NYC bakery specializes in upscale treats like doggy Shake Shack Burgers and Lobster Rolls. Since both Kuma and Andy have shellfish allergies, we went with the French classic.
Kuma's Reaction: As is common practice in the canine world, Kuma took a bite of the bone, then hid the rest under the couch cushion. It will remain there with his other preferred treats until the next housecleaning.
Milk-Bone Flavor Snacks
A classic among dogs, mailmen, and Mel Gibson, these garden-variety treats come now come in a variety pack with flavors like bacon, chicken, beef, and turkey. We've opted for the sausage.
Kuma's Reaction: Upon tasting a Snausage for the first time in his eight months on Earth, Kuma copped this bitter-beer face... and didn't open his left eye for five minutes. The Snawsome! remains uneaten.
Andy's Reaction: Despite a few off notes on the nose, these taste remarkably like the Slim Jims I grew up loving. Maybe a Slim Jim that was lost under the car seat and rediscovered a year later, but hey... a Slim Jim's a Slim Jim.
Andy's Reaction: Sweet mother of god... it turned to paste when I ate it. Like a steak-flavored Gusher, if the Gushers braintrust thought steak tasted like anus. Maybe some steak sauce will help... ACK! Now A-1'll taste like this to me forever.
Andy's Reaction: The meat's a little tough, but it actually tastes like human food. Thank god! It's like a super-salty beef jerky. I could seriously eat this whole thing. (Editor's note: He finished the meat.)
Andy's Reaction: There's a slight hint of bacon on the back of the tongue, but the most disappointing thing about this is its total lack of flavor... It should be either way tastier, or way disgusting-er. It's neither.
Kuma's Reaction: He got the beggin' part down, immediately taking to his hind legs in order to get to the bacon-scented goodness (note: Kuma has never had bacon... This is every species' reaction to that smell.). He then preceded to take a bite, then take the strip outside and forget about it.
Andy & Kuma's Reactions: These things actually do taste like bacon... and both man and beast spent a good amount of time fighting over it. Man gave up after a while, then went and cooked real bacon and ate it vindictively as the stupid son of a bitch gnawed at the ear.