You always heard the legend of that kid who went to your elementary school, like, five years before you, who won a lifetime supply of Gushers and was never sad again. You've also always laughed at that The Price Is Right contestant who gets a lifetime supply of rice. But what does "lifetime supply" really mean? Enough to truly satisfy you for decades, or just enough so the company can say, "Eh, we tried"?
To answer, we looked at several Reddit threads about lifetime supply winners, and judged those brands by commitment on a scale of 1-10. And yeah, we know it's Reddit, so take what you read as you will, but man, those Kraft contest people are stingy.
What They Actually Got: 365 packs of six Monster energy drinks, for a total of 2190 cans.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 8. For a normal person, this is more than enough to keep you wired and weird for all your days. For someone who actually drinks Monster on the reg, it's still a freakin' sweet stash. For someone who needs a full Monster every single day, this'll only last a few years, provided their internal organs also last that long.
Winning Thread Comment: "Can you imagine how hard you'd need to pee? You could shoot down helicopters with that kind of pressure."
What They Actually Got: A box of about 130 Airheads each month.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 10. At that rate, you could tear into about four Airheads every single day. Plus the prize included a literal treasure chest of Airheads. Even if you're a terrible person who hates Airheads, that puts you up one treasure chest, and no one doesn't want a treasure chest.
Winning Thread Comment: "Buy some kind of large leaf blower or candy cannon and drive by a park. Explode free Airheads all over the place."
What They Actually Got: A big box of various Blue Bunny ice creams weighing about 25-35lbs, once a month for eight months.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 6. Those boxes sound pretty gigantic, but any "lifetime supply" that runs out in less than a year is highly suspect. The fact that toonerdyformylife received the lifetime supply after finding a rusty bolt in the middle of a Blue Bunny ice pop doesn't help the company's case, either.
Winning Thread Comment: "Although, to be fair, most of that weight was from the various rusty bolts hidden inside the ice cream."
What They Actually Got: About 30 Pop-Tart boxes every three months, for three years.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 5. Started off strong there, Kellogg. Assuming DangerousBeans was getting the eight-count boxes, that's 240 Pop-Tarts per shipment, meaning you could eat about 2.5 Pop-Tarts per day. But dropping off after three years of breakfast pastry bliss? That is not only shady, but mean, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Winning Thread Comment: "I can just imagine some Pop-Tart employed hit man trying to get rid of anyone that won a lifetime supply contest."
What They Actually Got: Shipments of "shells" with four eight-packs of 16oz glass Pepsi bottles, then coupons that amount to "probably 40 12-packs twice a year".
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 10. Not only is that a very appropriate amount of cola, but at one point it came in glass bottles. Do you know how fancy you feel drinking soda out of glass bottle? MONOCLE FANCY. The winner also notes that he won the contest over 30yrs ago and Pepsi is still delivering the goods. So, high marks all around.
Winning Thread Comment: "I wonder if you name your child after you, could he continue the legacy of receiving free Pepsi?"
What They Actually Got: A case of Labatt every two weeks, then the same amount of cases delivered in bulk throughout the year.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 7. Not bad, Canada. But if the dude decided to have a few buddies over for a game, they'd be out of his bi-weekly ration before the second quarter.
Winning Thread Comment: "Profound. That just changed my life."
What They Actually Got: 125 Kraft Dinner boxes. Total.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 2. And we're being generous. When you win a lifetime supply of mac 'n cheese, you rightfully expect to have enough to bathe in it like the serene-as-hell lady above. With 125 boxes, you could maybe feed a college student for a semester.
Winning Thread Comment: "Reminds me of a Kids in the Hall episode where these hippies get a lifetime supply of Kraft dinner and ketchup because it's all they eat and the companies want to see how big their tapeworms (that they got from eating it) will get."
What They Actually Got: Two cards that comp two Whoppers per transaction.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 11. The holder of those cards had the power to score two Whoppers, fo' free, all 365 days of the year. That's some serious business, and apparently the lady wasn't up to that "with great power comes great responsibility" jazz, because she actually lost all that precious plastic.
Winning Thread Comment: "Worst part is that she lost both cards. Best part is that my friends aren't fat as sh*t from free burgers."
What They Actually Got: A massive box of Corn Nuts, and code to call for the next one.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 4. We have no idea if Corn Nuts would've continued shipping the stuff over the winner's lifetime, 'cause apparently she gave up after box two. Still, one box at a time? And you have to call, give a code, and then wait around for FedEx to deliver the next one? That's weak sauce, especially for a food few people want lifetime supplies of in the first place.
Winning Thread Comment: "wtf is a corn nut?"
Dr. Pepper Snapple Group
What They Actually Got: Two pallets of IBC root beer bottles, which one commenter estimates amounts to be about 240 cases.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 7. While bottles/cases per pallet can vary a ton, that dude's bottle tally was definitely in the thousands. That's nothing to sniff at, but one-time deliveries kinda put a finite limit on the whole "lifetime supply". And it clearly wasn't enough, since Zod_42 loftily claims to have housed the haul in a month's time.
Winning Thread Comment: "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"
What They Actually Got: A dozen Krispy Kreme donuts a day.
Lives Up to "Lifetime" Rating: 17. As you can imagine, the Reddit community had a minor conniption when this lucky KK sonofabitch admitted he hasn't had a donut in five years.
Winning Thread Comment: "i'm a little drunk, and i kept reading 'the first KKK location'. Me: how is this going to tie in with free donuts..."