The Communal Dining Thief
Did he actually just ask to try my drink? And where are my fries?
The Waitstaff Abuser
Thank you for this terrifying peek into your home life.
The Sad Solo Diner
Man, you didn’t even bring a book? At least pretend to look at something on your phone! I’m getting anxiety for you.
The Ethnic Menu Over-Pronouncer
Do you really think that by calling prosciutto “pra-shoot” that the Italian waiter will go back to the kitchen and regale the chefs with praise-filled stories of the man at table 16? Also, you’re from Wayland, MA.
The Tip Minimizer
Yes, we understand that you could take out the tax, and that you could penalize her because she brought you a lime instead of a lemon for your sparkling water, but maybe just stop being the worst, and give the poor waitress 20% like the rest of us?!?
The Joined-at-the-Hip Couple
So you’re really going to sit on the same side of that booth and feed each other food and make cooing noises the whole time, huh?
“I’d like the salmon, but instead of the corn, can I get the braised cauliflower from the steak dish? And instead of the frisee salad, can I get that appetizer you used to have in the '90s, but with a different type of aioli? And instead of the salmon, can I get thrown through the plate glass window in the front of restaurant?”
The Defiant Phone Caller
“No, don’t worry about it, I’m not busy. I’m just sitting at dinner with three other people in a restaurant, so obviously I feel like this is the right time to talk openly and loudly about why divorcing Doug was the best thing I’ve ever done for my sex life. Hold on, I’m getting another call.”
The Gluten-Free Evangelist
Stop giving us murder eyes when we go for the bread basket. No one cares what it’s done for your “energy”.
The Couple with a Baby in a Place Where There Shouldn’t Be One
We salute the fact that you’re not letting a baby get in the way of you living your life, but maybe don’t bring little Brayden to the extremely crowded restaurant opening party, yeah?!? We do like his ironic Ramones tee, though.
The Group Dinner Freeloader
Thank you for ordering a martini when everyone else got beer, and that extra soup that no one else got, and then realizing you were late for something vague, and hoped it was “chill” if you just left $20. #YouMustBeDestroyed
The Perpetual Instagrammer
We get that it’s hard to enjoy food if a) no one knows you’re eating it, and b) it’s not filtered through X-Pro II (or, ugh, Kelvin), but -- wait, no, we don’t at all.
The Waitress Pick-Up Artist
Did you just draw a pen15 next to your cell number on the check? Does that really work? Also: do you realize you only tipped 15%?
The Noise-Averse Old People
You do know you came to this restaurant of your own accord, right? And aren’t you supposed to actually hear less as you get older?
The 18-Way Check Splitters
“We’ll do $39 each apiece these 10 cards, the debit cards are all $20 and we wrote down the pin numbers in alphabetical order, then the remainder is in Canadian dollars, and the steak knife is for you to murder us all when this finally causes you to snap.”
The Business Traveler Who’s Clearly with an Escort
“Excuse me, sir? Would the lady -- who you’re clearly paying $2K a night to laugh at your jokes and sort of have her boobs kind of fall out of that very short glittery dress, and then maybe dry hump you on a pillowtop hotel room bed as a Two and a Half Men rerun flickers quietly in the background -- prefer sparkling or still?”
The “Party” Table
The Crazily Underdressed
Just because you were credited on the second season of Laguna Beach as “Jason’s ex-teammate” doesn’t mean it’s cool to wear a tank top to Minetta Tavern.
The Crazily Overdressed
Why yes, it is kind of a money move to wear that tuxedo to the taqueria, as long as you don’t mind people calling you Pennybags and repeatedly asking why you replaced the Iron token with a Cat.
The “Friends” of the Owner
Please tell the server again about how you and “Mario” used to both go to Equinox. I’m sure she’ll comp your apps.
The Eavesdropping Couple
They clearly have nothing left to say to each other. They’ve been silent for 38 minutes! Curse this European seating.
The Extremely Temperature-Sensitive Girl
“Why is it SO [FREEZING, HOT, UNCOMFORTABLY TEMPERATE] in this restaurant?!?”, she asks, EVERY SINGLE TIME.
The Unsolicited Recommender
I have a deadly shellfish allergy; please stop waving your crab in my face to “tempt” me.
The Guy Who Chokes on His Food and Forces You to Save His Life
Damn your refusal to take smaller bites and our refusal to not be selfless heroes in the face of grave danger.
The Cigarette Break Girl/Guy
It’s cool, you just head outside while I wait in here by myself for the next 20 minutes. I’ve always kind of wanted to see what life was like as Sad Solo Diner.
The Guilt-Tripping Vegan
Is the exact moment I bite into my steak tartare really the time to bring up that expose you just watched on what really happens behind the scenes at slaughterhouses? Doesn’t matter -- I’m going to enjoy it even more out of spite.
The Expense Account Flaunter
Did you need to order three entrees, two seafood towers, AND the suckling pig dinner for four? You’re just eating by yourself at the bar!
Did the words “well done, and please bring ketchup” really just come out of your mouth? That’s a $60 rib eye! The waiter looked like he wanted to cry.
The Guy Who Always Gets a Burger
Dude, we’re at a Thai place. How is this still happening?!?
The “Industry” Insider
You were a bar back at a Ruby Tuesday’s one Summer in college. Stop telling everyone what it’s like in “the restaurant business”.
The Clandestine Farter
You think you got away with it. But your eyes and that ever-so-slight shift in your seat reveal everything.
The Painfully Awkward Blind Date
You could not be making everyone else more uncomfortable.
The Rejected Marriage Proposal
Okay, YOU could not be making everyone else more uncomfortable.
The Food Waster
There’s, like, three quarters of a rack of lamb on your plate. You seriously aren’t taking that home? Um… can I have it?
The Crowded Restaurant Lingerers
There’s a 2.5-hour wait for a table right now. How long does it take to order an espresso?! Oh God -- they just ordered SECOND dessert...
The Sporting Event Checker
Would rather refresh ESPN.com incessantly to get the latest on a baseball game in May than attempt an adult conversation. But now that you’ve done it, what was that Marlins score anyway?
What do you keep in that coat of yours, gold bullion? Rolexes? BUBBLE TAPE?!??
The Table Jockeyer
Sometimes he’s dating the temperature-sensitive girl who can’t be seated near a vent. Sometimes he’s just a dick.
The Habitual Wine Returner
The wine hasn’t even turned. He just likes looking important. Subscribes to Wine Spectator but has never read it.
Nonstop Selfie Girl
Oh I get it, she ordered duck AND she’s making a duckface. #Forkstab
The Desperate-to-Be-Noticed Minor Athlete
Did that major league lacrosse player just slip the owner a signed 8x10?
The Fake Birthday-Havers
Is it really worth compromising your integrity for a one-scoop sundae with a sad birthday candle?
Please just go to the bathroom? And take the clandestine farter with you.
Because he really is the f**king worst.