Every year growing up, it's the same thing: you dutifully put on your 14th President of the United States Franklin Pierce costume, and set out into the neighborhood, knocking on doors with dreams of full-size Butterfingers and Snickers and Twizzlers dancing in your head, only to watch those nougat-based hopes crushed by an old lady handing out boxes of raisins.
So, in an effort to put a stop to those kind of kid-saddening shenanigans, we're offering up our list of the 18 worst "candies" to receive on Halloween. Be sure and print it out and hand it to your neighbors.
Now, on their own, Fireballs are actually a strong, timeless candy. But Halloween, and the days following it until that TJ Hooker pillowcase is empty, are all about speed. To properly earn your keep while Fireball-eating, you’ve gotta put in at least three-to-five solid minutes of heat-beating. To properly keep your teeth, you have to suck on that oddly delicious central candy orb for about 15 more. Paul Gelardi just ate 27 fun-size Milky Ways and a Chunky in that same time frame.
17. Mounds/Almond Joy
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. It’s true! But I never feel like eating coconut when I could be eating literally anything filled with nougat, or peanuts, or caramel, or whatever the hell is in a Clark Bar. At one point I managed to convince my brother that these were for cool kids and that he loved them, then got him to trade me all his Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for this filth.
I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon -- we’re an evolving people.
15. Welch’s Fruit Snacks
Sure, if this was my school lunch, I would be mildly excited to find some fruit snacks next to my PB&J and my Kudos bar. But THIS ISN’T MY SCHOOL LUNCH. Do you really want to be known as the house that just looked through your cupboards for the closest candy equivalents? And if you’re going to do that, WHY AREN’T YOU BUYING SHARK BITES?!?
14. Good & Plenty
Are they good? No. Are there plenty of them? Yes. And that’s the problem.
I swear there’s one still stuck in between my rear left molars from when I was six.
12. Hershey Hugs
You know what’s the only thing worse than getting a tiny-ass Hershey Kiss? Getting a tiny ass Hershey Kiss “hugged by sweet white cream”. That doesn’t even sound good in the promotional material used to sell it!
11. Candy corn
Candy corn was invented in the 1880s in Philly and designed to mimic the appearance of a kernel of corn, but was made from wax, sugar, and corn syrup. The only problem? It really does just taste like wax, sugar, and corn syrup.
I’d honestly rather just eat my sugar out of a bowl with a spoon. The fact that they color them to deceive people into thinking there’s an array of flavors is the biggest lie since Lincoln killing Kennedy.
9. Mary Janes
My great-grandmother used to keep these in her house in a bowl next to one of those couches covered in plastic. No one ever ate them, and literally the only other thing she had to eat was half-liter bottles of Moxie that had gone flat in the '80s. We love you, Nana!
8. Any kind of taffy that isn’t Laffy Taffy
This isn’t a joke, especially because all those other creepy hand-wrapped taffies don’t include hilarious jokes. Example:
Q: Where does the general put his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahaha! You rule, Laffy Taffy!
7. Anything unwrapped from a big bag
So wait, let me get this straight: you want me to grab a handful of jelly beans out of a bowl that everyone else has been sticking their gross hands in as well? Also, are these even Jelly Bellies? I best be getting at least one toasted marshmallow or I’m going to be PISSED.
6. Gingerbread cookies that are surely 10yrs old and distributed by this weird old lady with lots of cats
I’m not sure why we always went back to that house. I guess we thought she would run out of the cookies eventually, and be forced to move on to her walk-in safe crammed with full-sized Butterfingers. But nope, broken gingerbread man again.
5. Spare change
No, I don’t have a UNICEF box. And wait, were you really going to give me 18 cents to put in my UNICEF box? Now I just feel bad for myself and you.
F*** you, whoever came up with health.
Halloween is about keeping a doctor nearby in case of sudden diabetic shock, not keeping him away.
2. Apples with razor blades in them
These totally exist and this is probably the year you’re going to get one.
1. Necco Wafers
If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.