The 28 worst people at every dinner party
Going to dinner parties with friends is a good change of pace from the norm of ordering a large Domino's pizza and watching True Detective alone in your bedroom -- mostly because they usually end with everyone talking about True Detective and you know everything about that show. But sometimes there are some less-than-savory characters who show up at those kind of shindigs and kinda ruin everything for everyone else. Here are the 28 worst people at every dinner party. Rust Cohle should probably be on here too.
The Overly Frantic Host
He probably shouldn’t have committed to hosting a 24-course dinner party with personalized amuse-bouches.
The Overly Laid-Back Host
Watching your Overly Frantic partner putzing around is funny to you, huh? It won’t be when you’re sleeping on the couch later. When your guests say "thank you" at the end of the night, your Overly Frantic partner's anger will increase.
The Too-Curious Flatterer
“I simply must know what’s in these delightful crispy malt square & coagulated dairy canapes!” Those are crackers and cheese, bro.
The Kitchen Grazer
He's been hovering over the stove, shoving his fingers into everything for hours, and can't figure out why his host is freaking out. He also likes to plant himself directly in the middle of the action.
The Guy Who Gets Up Every Five Minutes To Go To The Bathroom
Maybe you should just go home. Also, FABREEZE DOESN'T COVER EVERYTHING!!!
The Communal Plate Hijacker
That’s a serving spoon, not an invitation to eat all the macaroni salad.
The Kitchen Mob
Even if the host lives in a mansion with a 20-acre backyard, everyone feels the need to congregate in the kitchen... blocking the sink, knocking stuff off shelves, and turning the simple act of plating food into the culinary version of football practice.
The Smug Socialite
Sorry we don’t have any Beluga caviar at this provincial grub fest, and don't know which vintage is in your glass. Now stop brandishing that monogrammed escargot fork.
The Beige Fanatic
Bread, pasta, biscuits & gravy, and a bowl of mayonnaise do not a balanced meal make.
The Uncomfortable Older Person
You’ve probably cooked a lot of pasta in your day, but don’t worry -- the knowledge has successfully been passed onto the next generation.
The Overly Critical Amateur Cook
If we knew you were going to spend the entire meal hovering over the stove, criticizing our risotto technique and offering advice on how to make things better, we gladly would have invited you to cook it yourself. At home. Alone.
The Ice Breaker
You want two truths and a lie? I want to eat. I am losing my patience. I just looooooooved day camp.
The Well-Traveled Regaler
We appreciate the fact that you’ve got a story for every situation, but the host is trying to thank everyone for coming, and we don’t want to hear about how everyone would be farting out of courtesy if this meal took place in Yellowknife.
The Plus One
The vacant look. The semi-clandestine arm-tugging. You obviously don’t know anyone else here, and your date can’t save you from the Ice Breaker.
The Vegan, Gluten-Free, Lactose-Intolerant Person...
... who didn't bother to tell anyone about her food allergies and choices until she sat down and started complaining that the only thing she could eat is asparagus. You don't have the heart to tell her that it was cooked in bacon grease.
The Ingredient Snob
Call us out on using canned chickpeas? We apologize for not having any fresh ones in our organohydroponic co-op greenified marketdome. Feel free to leave and get some.
The Course Reverser
Think hanging around in the kitchen and sneaking some of the cookie dough and/or cake batter makes you some sort of meal-order innovator? There’s a reason we eat courses savory-to-sweet, you philistine!
The Recently Split Couple
If they didn't want to get stuck sitting next to each other, they probably should have changed their relationship status earlier.
The Unannounced Date Of The Chick In The Recently Split Couple
You don't know his name, but he's the one making out with your friend's ex as your buddy cries into his mashed potatoes.
The Dude Who Obviously Overloaded On Hors D’Oeuvres
Your empty dinner plate says it all, even if all you can do is moan and clutch your cocktail sauce-stained stomach in pain.
The Awkward Work Friend
Maybe your attempts at increasing synergy took a wrong turn somewhere.
The Late-Arriving Wine-Bringer
We’ll excuse your tardy arrival because we ran out of wine. Even if it's in a box.
The Late-Arriving Nothing-Bringer
GET OUT.
The Couple Splitting Everything
While it’s nice that you’re being so democratic, you don’t have to eat everything Lady and the Tramp-style.
The Technology Gawker
Dude, the food’s on the table and the 60” plasma in the other room isn’t going to nourish anything except your feelings of jealousy. It's not even on!
The Boy And His Dog
If we knew you were bringing the dog, and that you were going to be feeding the ugly mutt from the table, we might have cooked up a side of Alpo. Or not invited you and the greedy little bitch.
The Guy Who Refuses To Leave
It's 11pm. The host has been asleep for an hour. Everybody else has left. But this dude's still here, talking about how good the pork was. And probably politics.
Rick
Seriously? Who told him about this party?
Adam Lapetina is a food/drink staff writer at Thrillist, and really doesn't know where to find non-canned chickpeas, OK?! Read his musings at @adamlapetina.