Because, at a certain point in every man's life, he needs to know the eight best pizza places in his general vicinity, we scoured Cap City, ate, like, infinity pies, and faced the humiliation of having to wear elastic-waisted jeans, all in an effort to find DC's eight best pizzas. So, here they are:
8. Pete's Friendship Heights What you're ordering: New Haven, with local Chesapeake clams
Known as "APIZZA" and pronounced "ah-BEETZ," the thin-crust New Haven-style pie comes with ultra-fresh ingredients like those clams (in the water on Monday, on your pizza on Wednesday!), plus other organic and locally grown toppings. And don't sleep on the in-house sweet Italian sausage, made from scratch right in the kitchen, because it's a) excellent, and b) uncomfortable to sleep on.
7. &Pizza H Street What you're ordering: Farmer's Daughter, with spicy tomato, housemade mozzarella, hot sausage, farm eggs, spinach, Parimigiano Reggiano, and red pepper chili oil
After a huge success on H St, this Italian assembly line of pie might be the best deal in town, w/ huge rectangular pizzas for around $10 that get covered with specialties like mushroom truffle spread and farm eggs.
6. Matchbox 14th St What you're ordering: Fire & Smoke, with fire-roasted red peppers, Spanish onions, chipotle peppers, tomato sauce, garlic puree, smoked Gouda, and fresh basil
With three DC locations, the vintage wood-firing pizza bistro brings the heat all over the district with pies like the aforementioned Fire & Smoke, which gets its name from the fire-roasted red peppers and smoking hot Rob Thomas chipotle peppers.
5. Etto Logan Circle What you're ordering: Alla Romana, w/ tomato, capers, olives, onions, anchovies, and mozzarella
Using a giant shipped-over Austrian mill, the old-fashioned shop churns out grain daily for their pie crusts, before tossing them in their wood-fired oven. And if you don't fill up on 'za, there's a spiced cookie shaped like a woman from an Italian legend who's got three breasts: two for milk and one for wine. Seriously. This is really a thing.
4. Graffiato Chinatown What you're ordering: Jersey Shore, with fried calamari, tomato, Provolone, cherry pepper aioli
Mike Isabella's first spot in Chinatown hides a huge oven behind a cinderblock bar, where you'll pull a chair up to watch them create unique pies like the cherry pepper aioli/Provolone/fried calamari "Jersey Shore", which will leave a much better taste in your mouth than anything the cast... er... MOVING ON!
3. Seventh Hill Eastern Market What you're ordering: Seventh Street, with prosciutto, Parmesan, roasted red peppers, tomatoes
Using a wood-burning oven made from Rhone River stones because of their superior baking quality and uncanny wine-pairing suggestions, Seventh creates 15 gourmet numbers available in 8in or 12in and all named after surrounding DC hoods -- so if your heart is in Eastern Market, you can... well, get it.
2. Ghibellina Logan Circle What you're ordering: Bianca, with rapini, mozzarella, garlic, Calabrian chilies, fennel seed, Pecorino Romano
The Italian gastropub, from the owners of Acqua Al 2, keep things simple and authentic w/ seven Neapolitan styles tossed up by a trained pizzaiolo and finished off with toppings like Calabrian chilies, finnochiona, and mozzarella di Bufala.
1. 2Amy's Cleveland Park What you're ordering: Margherita Extra, w/ tomato, mozzarella di Bufala, cherry tomatoes
Heard of it? No? Well, out-of-touch friend, just dial up your internet, jump on Altavista, and plug in 2Amy's. The search results two minutes later (stop using Altavista!) will reveal that it's a Cleveland Park Neapolitan pie institution consistently decorated for having the best pies in town and formally recognized by the Italian government for its authenticity.