Choose Your Own Adventures were great because you got to have a hand in the story, but sadly for your burgeoning libido, none of the stories made you want to put your hand anyplace else. Now, choose your own non-penetratingly naughty adventure, with Dry Hump: The Game.

From Monofonus Press, DH:TG is a really, really strange set of interactive YouTube vids where you guide either a short-shorted, midriff-baring dude with flowing blonde locks or a neon-clad, disinterested hipsterette through a series of delicate seductions by clicking one of two annotated popups which lead to either rejection or fully clothed coitus -- the latter accompanied by trippy slo-mo effects and psychedelic color warps, which totally makes up for not actually having sex. Some filthily ludicrous situations:

• A visit by a babe to your avatar's home can lead to either baking a batch of brownies or playing video games, one of which will, in turn, lead to her taking charge and wildly grinding on you (hey, who's got the joystick here!?).
• A tame Bible Study (what the hell?) sesh turns awkwardly sinful when you either offer her a relaxing massage, or, if you don't want her extra time, just go straight in for a kiss.
• And, if you're a lady: a bored I Love Video clerk eye-humps her co-worker while he's bending down to retrieve DVDs -- either wait for just the right moment, or follow him into the stacks, hopefully into the Bond section so you can give him an Oddjob.

To make things even weirder, each vignette is soundtracked by an artist from Monofonus' stable, which includes Thor Harris (of Shearwater) and Soft Healer, probably the right musical adventure to choose, considering all the chafing.