Pick up the phone and call the professionals...

Since Bill Murray's not doing the new Ghostbusters anyway, why put yourself through the agony of seeing Dan Aykroyd? Instead, get your slime fix at Ghostbusters: The Play, staged for free the next two weekends by the folks behind last year's adaptation of The Princess Bride, Cary Elwes' 2nd-best role, right behind "The Dread Pilot Kent Gregory".

The Metz Park production -- made possible by TPB audience donations -- involves a crew of 60, including 15 apparitions, a 17-person band of Minor Mishap associates called Tobin's Spirit Guide, and a Coldtowne Theater up-and-comer as Venkman, since Bill couldn't get his Shangri-La shift covered. Some of the creative liberties taken:

Austinized: The production references haunted locales like the Driskill, sees the 'busters fired from UT's psych department, might include a cameo by KUT's master of (un)dead air, and, to represent the city's level of psycho-kinetic energy, uses a breakfast taco that's grown to 35ft long, making this play a regular Don Juan on Trial.

The Artillery: They've created proton packs by "reversing the polarity" on portable shop vacs built into wooden backpacks. While Ray Parker, Jr. couldn't be bothered to fly in from the Italian villa he bought with money from his follow-up single "Girls Are More Fun", there will be human-sized ghost traps, and a windowed containment system.

Living Sets: The chaotic hotel ballroom scene will take place in the audience, the library's bookshelves come to life, and Dana's apartment is rigged with a levitating wench & a giant glowing-eyed terror dog that'll erupt from a walking fridge, aka, Dan Aykroyd.