Because smoking is responsible for this country's no. 1 ailment, Duke University, get your fix from Create A Cig, a new Lamplight Village venture that offers a tar-less, water-vapor alternative to traditional tobacco, which independent studies show rhymes with wacko.

The starter kit includes a Joyetech eGo cig (currently the leading brand, probably because Joyetech sounds like something you'd use during the activity that often precedes smoking), a pair of batteries, a carrying case, and the liquid equivalent of two cartons. They've also got customizable mouthpieces and varying cig sizes for greater intake control and longer battery life -- up to 12hrs of puffing, just in case you're a movie detective in 1937.

The real customization comes via the liquid cartridges: opt amongst three levels of nicotine, then pick from 130 flavors ranging from takes on standby packs (Camels and whatnot), to a slew of fruits (mango, apple, pomegranate...), to more experimental concoctions like Mountain Dew or bacon. And, everything can be blended together, resulting in insane pairings like Marlboro Red Bacon, aka, Country Flavor Country.

If you're a classy son of a bitch, you can skip the cigs and go for pieces that look like old timey pipes and cigars, for those times when you're celebrating the greatest accomplishments of all: having a baby, then later convincing him he'd get a better education at a state school.