While the only actual asshole worth quoting belongs to a bent-over Jim Carrey, well-crafted snide asides have their place -- specifically, they have their place in the new, definitive collection: The Quotable A**hole. Spilling over with 1200 "bitter barbs, cutting comments, and caustic comebacks", and curated by a Somerville resident (that explains the bitterness!), the book's got a solid diss for any occasion. For example:
The Situation: Attempting to impress at a cocktail party, an acquaintance smugly quotes a Shakespeare line that's only thinly related to the conversation in progress.
Slay Him With: Me think’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee. (William Shakespeare)
The Situation: You find yourself on a new season of Wilmer Valderrama's hit show about yo' momma jokes, and your opponent brings some lame old noise about her powdered milk.
Kill 'em!: I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. (William F. Buckley Jr., Founder of The National Review)
The Situation: ...from MTV says anything to you.
Retire His Ass: Don’t move! I want to forget you just the way you are. (Henny Youngman, comedian who the author lists as "British", but was actually born on stage in the Catskill mountains)
To prove they're actually good people, the good people at Adams Media (Avon, MA!) want to give 10 Thrillist readers a free copy. To win, hit the email below with your name, address, and single best compliment about Ian Ziering (seriously) -- books will be sent out to those bringing the cleverness, so put some thought into it, unless you're Jim Carrey, in which case you can probably just pull something great out of your ass.