Welcome to March, that magical time of year when everyone you've ever met shows up to couch surf, certain that Miami'll be exactly like the Travel Channel told 'em it would be, and that they'll immediately start making out with one of these girls. To help lessen that shock, here’s a list of 25 things we highly suggest you email them so they’re at least a little prepared.
1. Miami and South Beach are two completely different things
South Beach is what you see on The Real Housewives. Miami is what you see on The First 48.
2. Nothing will ever start on time
Oh, you thought that "8pm" meant show up at 8? No, that means get in the shower at 9.
3. You're not going to be using public transportation
That train we have, like so many people in Miami, is purely decorative.
4. Ft. Lauderdale-Hollywood Airport (FLL) is a serious pain in the ass
So no, we’re not picking you up at rush hour so you can save $100 flying Spirit.
5. People will assume you speak Spanish, even if you look like Mason Plumlee
If you get lost when Dexter doesn't use subtitles, you won't make it out of the airport.
6. We don’t stop for pedestrians, even at crosswalks
And more people here have STDs than car insurance.
7. No, we don’t have Uber
Why? Because Miami, that’s why.
8. Nobody EVER goes out on Ocean Drive
And if we do, it's only to prove to visitors that those 3-for-1 drinks are really $28. Each!
9. Our cabs don’t take credit cards
And the ones that do are using it to steal your identity.
10. Service is going to be terrible. Everywhere.
When your waiter does you the favor of visiting your table, order everything NOW. You won’t be seeing him again 'til Christmas.
11. And they’re going to charge you 18% for it
That $14 the bartender just charged you for a bottle of Corona? At least it includes tip.
12. You can’t get tacos at a Cuban restaurant
Nor is everyone who speaks Spanish Mexican. Actually, they're probably not, since our Mexican population is under 2%.
13. It might rain all day
Sure, it might only be for an hour. Or you might end up on vacation in London with humidity. And newer buildings.
14. Don’t EVER refer to Miami as “The sixth borough”
Do you see brown snow on the ground or smell raw sewage? Ok then.
15. Key Biscayne is not in the Keys
But go ahead and blast “Margaritaville” when you’re driving over the Rickenbacker if it makes you feel better.
16. Just because the sun is down doesn't mean it's getting cooler
Our average low temp in the Summer is 79, so that "light jacket" you brought is just another layer you'll have to wear home to avoid Spirit's checked bag fee.
17. It’s pronounced BRICK-uhl. Not Brick-ELL
Because who on earth names a whole neighborhood after the lead singer of New Bohemians?
18. We don’t recycle
This is a city where people still leave their garbage in the hallways. You really think we’re gonna sort it?
19. Don’t ever ask someone, “What do you do?”
Because the few people here who actually work have jobs they can’t talk about.
20. Nobody goes out to dinner until 9pm
And nobody goes out to bars until midnight. So cool it on those Jäger Bombs, pal, closing time’s not 'til 5am.
21. Those enormously jacked dudes over there?
They’re... um... probably not interested in girls.
22. Those impeccably dressed dudes over there with the long hair?
They’re probably not either. Or they're European. Tough call.
23. We can’t get you into LIV just because we live here
But feel free to believe that guy who just moved here from New York who says he can.
24. Don’t ever leave your valuables on the beach
Unless you hate your credit cards.
25. Nobody cares who you are back home
Oh, you RUN sh*t back in Yakima? That’s cool. Go wait in line behind Jason London.