thrillist

In between gearing up for his stand-up gig at Ricochet Dec 26th and being the most feared roaster this side of Kenny Rogers, ex-AFLAC-duck-voicer and current Rubber Balls And Liquor author Gilbert Gottfried serenaded us with his dulcet purr while having plenty to say on giving Miley Cyrus drugs, Muppet molestations, and that brat from Problem Child.

You did some time on Hollywood Squares. Is Bruce Vilanch really skinny when no TV cameras are on him?

Not only is he skinny --- he's clean-shaven and straight.

If you could roast any one person, dead or alive, who would it be?

Probably like Hitler or something. Because Hitler would be there, and he could make all those faces like "Oh I can't believe he said that", you know, the hand over the face look.

So have you sworn off tweeting about natural disasters these days?

No, no. It's like, people have asked me if I think twice before I tweet now. It's like, I do think twice, but I do it anyway. I figure now I'm even more able to do stuff because I don't have any jobs to lose.

That’s a weird thing about comedy: people get incredibly up in arms about something like that, but then are fine with an entire disgusting movie about the Aristocrats. Do you think about which lines people will get upset about you crossing, or are you just like, eff it, I’m hilarious, here we go?

Haha, thank you. When I was, years ago -- right after September 11th -- I was at the Hugh Hefner roast, and I did the first September 11th joke. People were offended and shocked and gasping and booing, and then I go onto the Aristocrats joke about incest and bestiality, and they're fine with it. And that’s how you win them back. I think people choose what they get offended by.

The consensus is that your Aristocrats joke was the best in the movie. Have you ever heard someone tell it better?

No, no one is better than I am at anything.

If you could be tickled by one Muppet, which Muppet would it be? Sesame Street ones count.

Oh, Jesus. Tickled by a Muppet. I'm actually working on a p*rn film right now called "Tickled By A Muppet". I guess it would have to be Miss Piggy because she's the only female one I can think of right now. So it would be perverted enough. See, the Cookie Monster would get crumbs on me, and that would be disgusting. And the grouch that lives in the garbage can would probably leave me with some sort of STD. So, I'll stick with Miss Piggy, even though I'm Jewish, and I really shouldn't be with pork.  

When preparing for the role of the parrot in Aladdin, did you think up any kind of elaborate backstory for him?

I prepared for it the same way DeNiro would -- I lived with a family of parrots for a year. I walked around, and Crazy-Glued feathers to my body, and walked around for a year like that. It would have either been me or Meryl Streep.

If you could be just as rich and famous as you are, and have a normal voice, would you?

I think I'll just always take being rich and famous over everything. Ideally, I'd like to be rich and famous AND have a larger penis, but that's just a whole other interview.

Who would win in a steel cage match with you and Bobcat Goldthwait?

I think the world would explode if the two of us did that. It's bad enough hearing us talk, but hearing the two of us scream out in pain would be too much for the world to take.

You were on an episode of Hannah Montana. Have you ever smoked semi-legal bong drugs with her?

Yes, I was the one who said to her "Hey, you know, it would really help your career to get on hard drugs". The reason that I did that show is just so I could say I was in Hannah Montana.

How long can you hold your breath underwater?

Not as long as the average p*rn star can.

Did you ever want to kick the Problem Child kid in the face?

I did several times. That's why by the second movie they didn't even pay me. That was my payment.

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