Dear Las Vegas,
1) It's City Rivalry Week at Thrillist, so we had to pick one. 2) We in Miami think it’s adorable what you did with that whole “What Happens in Vegas” thing. But as that great urban philosopher Pitbull once said, “Yeah, but what happened in Miami never happened.” Because when it comes to sun, fun, hot girls, and bad decisions, the 305 kicks sand all over the 702. And here are 15 reasons why...
Much like Alabama is thankful for Mississippi so it’s not always ranked last in education, so are we thankful for Vegas so we’re not #1 in the government stealing your home from you.
2) Full Nude, Full Liquor Strip Clubs
Because you know what goes GREAT with a naked girl grinding on your lap? Diet Coke.
3) There're No Pro Sports in Vegas
Unless you count the UNLV teams of the early '90s.
4) There's Nothing But the Strip
Take South Beach out of Miami, and we’re still a major international city. Take the strip out of Vegas and what're you left with? Reno.
5) Topless Beaches
Vegas throws pool parties with ridiculous cover charges and $20 drinks so girls can lay out topless. We can do the same thing with a $5 parking space and a 12-pack of Heineken.
6) Proximity to Actual Other Things
Drive three hours from Miami and you’re in Key West or Disney World. Drive three hours from Vegas and you’re nowhere. Or Phoenix, aka, nowhere with golf courses.
7) Our CSI Chief is Cooler
Maybe if Laurence Fishburne could come up with zippy, deadpan one-liners and bought a stylin’ pair of aviators, this would be close.
8) Better Weather
Saying 114 degrees is ok because “it’s a dry heat” is kinda like saying getting shocked with a set of blast knuckles is ok because they weren’t Police Grade.
9) Badass Musicians
Celine Dion is your biggest draw after Pai Gow poker, and your most notable local artists are a rock band full of Mormons who call themselves The Killers. Most of our local musicians actually ARE killers.
10) Music Festivals
Every year, Miami hosts a music festival called “Ultra”. Every year, Vegas holds a similar one whose name sounds like a hippie girl with a thing for tasers.
11) Natural Beauty
Miami’s got sunrises over the Atlantic and sunsets over the Bay. You know what you’re watching that majestic sunset over in Vegas? Piles and piles of dirt.
12) Cooler Face-Eaters
Tigers have been trying to eat people’s faces since the dawn of time. But people? Who says no innovations come out of Miami?
13) Better Body Disposal
Need to get rid of an unfortunate “night worker” your buddy accidentally impaled on a towel hook? The alligators in the Everglades will do half the work for you, and no digging is involved.
You know where ballet dancers go when they can’t cut it anymore? Cruise ships. You know where they go when they can’t cut it on cruise ships? The Tropicana.
15) Better Visitors
On an average weekend, Vegas is overrun with that douchiest species of American: guys from LA. On an average weekend, Miami gets overrun by... New Yorkers. Ok, nevermind.