1. I quit!
2. No need to erase my search history now
3. $25 on the Jets
4. I always wanted a tribal armband
5. I don't care if it's not my baby
6. Yeah, I've got a masters... in experimentation. College!
7. I voted for Gary Johnson
8. Everybody get down on the floor, nice and easy
11. One P'ZONE®, please
12. Sounds enlightening, but why is it called an "auditing"?
13. Just let Geraldo talk
14. So what happens in The Crying Game?
15. My other family is probably freaking out right now
16. I love you
17. I don't love you
18. I love you, but I'm not in love with you
19. I am incapable of love
20. I'm actually on Team Jacob
21. I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines
22. The dog didn't run away...
23. One of these Steve Carrell movies is probably funny...
24. I'm scared.
25. Hey Seagal, you're so fat you couldn't even beat up Michael Caine!
26. Santa Claus wasn't coming anyways
27. I've always wanted to bang your wife
28. I've always regretted banging your wife
29. Realistically, my Spawn comics are actually only in near mint
30. If we make it through this alive, I'll read The Fountainhead for you
31. Yeah, I know what HPV stands for: Hamburger...Pelper...Virus? F*@#!
32. Why did I smoke light cigarettes?
33. The Wire was overrated
34. I actually prefer cats
35. I actually prefer Zunes
36. One time when you were asleep…
37. You know what, I am dissatisfied with my long distance carrier
38. America's No. 2!
39. M. Night Shamalan's movies only got better
40. What's a lemonparty?
41. I can't afford not to buy a timeshare
42. Ask Jeeves is better than Google
43. What could go wrong?
44. I can totally pull off cowboy boots
45. Your off-Broadway play was terrible
46. Carrot Top was the voice of my generation.
47. No, Chris, I didn't plan on enjoying these Zimas by myself
49. I'm actually the evil twin
50. I do
Published: December 20, 2012 at 3:30pm EST
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