Dear Discovery Channel, Fox TV, 51 Minds Entertainment, and other major production companies:

I hear that you are currently trolling Cast My Reality to discover people whose "unique lives or professions" would make for excellent reality television programming. Well your search is over, because I'm your man... or woman, if that's what you're looking for! Not only am I married to five women who are each hopelessly addicted to eating a different non-food item, but they all work together as a super team of bounty hunter hoarders (in that they are bounty hunters who hoard, not women who hoard bounty hunters -- that's a totally different thing my Siamese twin is into). Did I mention that I'm incredibly fat?

Also, I noticed that you're looking for experts to appear in developed series. I happen to be extremely knowledgeable in a number of fields, including (but not limited to): angioplasty, sex addiction, Totino's pizza snacks, string cheese theory, shady mustachioed figures, the underwater communication networks of mammals, and being a total backstabbing b*tch.

If, however, you decide to pass on developing a show around me/employing me as an expert, but are looking for residential shooting locations for a project, please consider my house: a quaint 3-bed ranch with a large backyard that's filled with men and women with bounties on their heads.

Sincerely,
Bob Dole's Pencil