Seven-time Tour de France unwinner Lance Armstrong's confession to Oprah Winfrey that he used performance-enhancing drugs was supposed to be earth shattering. So what's the earth still doing here?
The cyclist's anticlimactic admission is further proof that it's not much of a confession when you're the last person to acknowledge it. But it's hard to argue the strategy; Armstrong got 13 more years of titles, sponsorships, and riches out of the deal, making his quite possibly the most lucrative denial in history.
But Armstrong's is just the latest installment in a rich history of "no s--t" confessions…
Photo: Michael Whitney
8. John Edwards' Extra-Terrible Affair
While still entertaining notions of a VP bid in the summer of 2008, Edwards capitulated to nearly a year of allegations concerning his repeated one-night stands with Rielle Hunter. On video. That produced a child. While his wife was dying of cancer.
Outcome: The man's a pariah to anything with vertebrae
7. Anderson Cooper's Glass Closet
Or Jodie Foster's, for that matter. In each case, after whole lifetimes of winking ambiguity on the subject, they confessed their homosexuality very publicly to overwhelming… indifference. Or whelming enthusiasm. You pick.
Outcome: It's not the 1950s
Photo: Cliffords Photography
6. Snooki Nude Pics
The star of Walgreen's itch cream section confirmed, through a representative, in 2012 that unmistakable photos of what appeared to be her in various states of undress were, in fact,
close-up images of a yak's anus her.
Outcome: Still alive
5. Mark McGwire's Steroid Use
After breaking a home run record that had stood for 37 years, McGwire denied using steroids for more than a decade. Then he admitted it when everyone stopped giving a crap.
Outcome: Has made enough money that he can shoot up with a new 92-carat gold needle every minute and a half if he wants. 'Sup, milk?!
Photo: David Boyle
4. Anthony's Weiner
Also relying on the public's ignorance of Photoshop's capabilities, Congressman Anthony Weiner denied sending several followers on Twitter a photo of his capital rotunda. After a week and a half of his grody gray boxer briefs dominating 24-hour cable news, he caved.
Outcome: Will probably be New York's next mayor
3. Oscar De La Hoya Drag Pics
In 2011, after four years spent insisting that images of the former boxer in fishnet stockings, high heels, and women's underwear were "a really bad Photoshop job," De La Hoya came clean for no reason.
Outcome: Hey, remember Oscar De La Hoya?
2. Philip Morris Killy Sticks
Just prior to the 50th anniversary of the first major study to establish causality between cigarettes and lung cancer, America's biggest tobacco company celebrated by finally admitting it was right.
Outcome: Record settlements (and profits)
Photo: Lori Branham
1. Pete Rose's Gambling
The only thing worse than cheating at sports is betting on the men who cheat at sports, which Rose was accused of doing by Major League Baseball in 1989. After 15 years of defiance, Rose conceded having bet on baseball to sell an autobiography.
Outcome: If you've ever seen his haircut, you know Pete Rose has paid his debt to society