At every Super Bowl party, there's some jerk who thinks he knows a thing or two, when in reality, he only knows a thing or one. Bury his knowledge in far vaster knowledge with this handy primer.
Some guy says: "This is Ray Lewis' last game" in a tone that suggests you haven't just spent hundreds of hours watching Ray Lewis career retrospectives and specials about Baltimore's 2012 season built entirely around Ray Lewis' willing that season to extend into 2013.
You say: "Ray Lewis is following in a proud tradition of great players exiting on the biggest stage, a tradition that includes John Elway, Jerome Bettis, Tiki Barber... ha, just kidding, Michael Strahan, and John Hannah, whose '85 Patriots got trounced by the Bears, but since he's generally regarded as the 2nd-best lineman ever behind Anthony Muñoz, maybe he gets a pass."
Some guy says: "Colin Kaepernick looks like RGIII."
You say: False. Colin Kaepernick looks like a much bigger RGIII (two inches, 13lbs) whose mom might or might not have slept with minor celebrity Eric Balfour. Get that sweet Sportique shirt here
Some guy says: "I don't think anyone's ever won a Super Bowl after switching QBs like that."
You say: "Pass me a Hamm's. Thanks, that was refreshing. So, you're forgetting the 2000 Ravens benching the ineffective Tony Banks for the modestly effective Trent Dilfer, the '87 Redskins Jay Schroeder/Doug Williams fiasco, the '72 Dolphins (Bob Griese gets hurt, Earl Morrall wins tons of games, Griese returns during the AFC Championship), and a little situation called Drew Bledsoe/Tom Brady."
Some guy says: "This is the first time two brothers have coached against each other in the Super Bowl!"
You say: "So I've heard. But it's not the first time two brothers have been in the Super Bowl together. In '82, Archie Griffin and his younger brother Ray were on that Bengals team the 49rs barely beat for their first title, and Miami safeties Glenn and Lyle Blackwood -- a.k.a. "The Bruise Brothers" -- started two Super Bowls side by side, one against the 'Skins, and another against the 49rs' second title team." Photo from Fanbase.com
Some guy says: "Everybody's talking about Frank Gore blowing out his knee at Miami, but Willis McGahee blowing his out during his last game was even worse."
You say: "That's debatable since Gore had beaten out McGahee before getting hurt, and it totally sucks watching a guy named Willis steal your glory. But you know who had it worse than that? Melvin Bratton, who blew his knee out in the Hurricanes' 1988 Orange Bowl win over OU, costing him a million NFL dollars and ultimately killing his career, since they basically performed knee surgery with hacksaws back then. Also, defensive tackle and Zubaz aficionado Kevin Fagan's first-rounder status plummeted after blowing out his knee in the '85 Sugar Bowl, so even if you're not a running back, if you go to Miami your knee is toast."
Some guy says: "Haloti Ngata is the biggest man I have ever seen."
You say: "No, Ma'ake Kemoeatu is the biggest man you have ever seen. He weighs 364lbs. He used to weigh 415lbs, but that was before he got in shape."