It can be a little hard to see how the Sundance Film Festival selections bear any relation to your life. You've never incurred the wrath of a girl whose private parts could tear through a porterhouse, or shot Andy Warhol. But underneath their bizarreness, these indies offer some serious universal wisdom, applicable to most everyman problems:
You'd do anything to beat out Stewart for that promotion, but elaborate plots aren't your thing, which is probably why you haven't been promoted yet. As this 1988 gem reminds us, that's why God invented Drano.
You know your friend stole your beer out of the fridge, but he won’t own up to it even after you offer him amnesty. Technically the drill is 1) obscure 1970s pop song, 2) knife, 3) ear, but at this point just that song ought to force the confession.
Keep missing doctor's appointments? Not any more -- just don't tattoo the date/time on a part of your body only doctors see, or you'll just forget again.
The Usual Suspects
You promised your neighbor you’d water his plants, but you kinda forgot about that and now he wants to know why they're all dead. Don't be afraid to use everything in the room when constructing your elaborate fabrication -- when someone's totally focused on a murdered ficus, they won't even notice who manufactured their coffee mug.
You’re having a party this Friday, but you really don’t want Doug to show up. Seriously, screw Doug -- by establishing a secret cipher for locations and slipping preferred guests the encrypted details.
Wet Hot American Summer
Tina seems to be into you, but every time you make a move, that annoying guy she knows from college swoops in. Advice is closer than you think: just find anyone you know with PTSD and you're golden.
Run Lola Run
That meeting starts in five minutes, and you’re stuck in a bumper-to-bumper gridlock, so ditch the cab and hop a ride on an ambulance. As long as you really commit to that German accent and pink wig, people will think you belong in a hospital anyway.
Your girlfriend and your best friend are at each other’s throats. If you're kind of sick of his neediness and her weirdly high voice, suggest a threesome and get both of them out of your life at once.
Little Miss Sunshine
Apparently cops love pornographic magazines more than bribes, and haven't heard that print is dead. Always keep a wide selection in your trunk.
Crazy detector a bit off? You'll be fine as long as you stay away from anyone who likes Huey Lewis and the News. Except Huey Lewis, who's supposed to be really nice.
You’ve just landed on foreign soil. Do not depend on Lonely Planet. Instead, hang out by the craft services table of the nearest movie/TV set. That’s always the best place to find hot Belgian girls and dwarves who love to party.
The election for your co-op board of directors is heating up, and you can’t afford to lose to that grouchy old lady who’s running on a 10p quiet hours platform. Just remember that dance speaks louder than words, and Jamiroquai speaks louder than dance.
Other dudes always on you for being short? Just hire your weirdest-looking friend to run around town claiming that you're the biggest [insert ethnicity here] he's ever seen.
Swimming with Sharks
Sick of your a-hole boss berating you in front of the entire office? All you need to change his ways is lemon juice, salt, and Tabasco. (And the will to kidnap/torture/not succumb to your own a-hole tendencies.)
Published: January 24, 2013 at 3:30pm EST
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