When you live in NYC, it’s basically inevitable that your friends will, ugh, come visit you. And while you can avoid cramming them into your kinda terrible apartment by making them stay in a hotel, you won't be able to avoid them pestering you with super-dumb questions about our great metropolis. Helping with that, this checklist of things you're gonna have to explain.
1. South Street Seaport is completely irrelevant
We don’t set foot on this anachronistic hell-dock unless we’re going to Beekman’s Beer Garden. Even then, we use the back entrance to avoid busloads of people taking pictures of the man-o’-war.
2. Nobody goes to the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, or Rockefeller Center, either
3. Yes, it’s always this loud. No, it doesn’t “bother” us.
For the love of God, stop covering your ears every time an ambulance or screeching subway goes by.
4. You have to walk faster than that
We don’t have highways here, we have sidewalks. Would you come to a dead-stop on the Interstate just to take pictures of random, tall buildings? No? Then SWEET JESUS, please don’t do it here.
5. Our bars close at 4am every night
None of this 1am nonsense. Or 2am nonsense. Or “4am on Saturdays only” nonsense. Every night, we booze ‘til 4am. And yes, you are still expected to make it to brunch
the next day… why wouldn’t you?
6. Cabbies don’t take advantage of tourists
They take advantage of ANYONE who’s not paying attention. When he asks if you want to take the FDR, the answer is always “no”.
7. We don't call it the "Big Apple", and we barely even call it "New York" or "NYC"
It's "The City".
8. The Italian food in Little Italy is terrible
Probably because barely any actual Italians live there anymore — and that’s the US Census talking
9. Streets are short, avenues are long, and it's a grid
Unless you're in the West Village; that place is essentially a maze.
10. Yes, it's true: we basically all live in glorified closets
And you will be kind of shocked by it.
11. Everybody jaywalks
Go ahead, live a little. Try not to die a lot.
12. That annoying TV in the back of your cab?
You can turn it off. And when the credit card swipe below it doesn’t work, use the one above it.
13. There’re certain times that you will not get a cab
Chief among them, the 430pm shift-change, and literally any time it’s precipitating. Disregard all of this if you’re an attractive woman.
14. Beyond hot dogs and pretzels, do not be afraid to eat from carts
Street meat is delicious. We swear!
15. That smell? It’s piss.
It's always piss.
16. The city is empty on Summer weekends
We get as far away as possible, to avoid going berserk when the heat kicks in.
17. We only eat at Katz’s Delicatessen when we’ve been at one/many of these bars
Even then, we resist taking pictures under the “hope you had what she had” sign, because Q.E.D.
18. No, the Hamptons aren't “right there”
They're actually extremely far away, and when you get there, everything somehow costs more than it did in the city.
19. Don’t talk to us about the Knicks
We’ll bring it up when we’re ready.
20. We find absolutely nothing weird about buying groceries at a bodega
What? Where else can you buy three eggs, an extension cord, and a tallboy at 11pm?
21. Watch out for street-corner slush lakes
They may look like solid ground, but sink into one ankle-deep, and your day is basically over.
Dave Infante is an Editor at Thrillist Media Group. He’s actually never been to NYC, but hears it’s lovely this time of year. Follow him on Twitter @dinfontay.