Queens of the Pole/1950s Strip Tease Variety Show Where everyone's in pole position

In a city boasting more skin than Buffalo Bill's basement, there comes a time when every man just wants to watch some shimmying on stage without having to go all Pacman Jones. The solution: this weekend's double-whammy of just-pay-the-covers pole dancing and burlesque that equals an extravaganza of acrobatics, hot chicks dressed as pinups and, just maybe, Eraserhead babies in pasties.

Here's the skinny on the skin:

Fri: Queens of the Pole/Black Lodge Burlesque
Showcasing the strength and agility often overlooked when the girls spinning upside down take their shirts off, Queens employs a "House of Hair" theme, just in case you can't watch girls on poles without a pulsing Motley Crue soundtrack. All that's preceded by Black Lodge Burlesque, a troupe that specializes in sexing-up David Lynch's works, as if these ladies didn't have enough Twin Peaks.

Sat: The 1950s Striptease Variety Show
Harking back to the golden age of pinups and Communist scares, '50s features va-va-vooming from some of Portland's best-known pastie aficionados, including Tana the Tattooed Lady, Stilletta Maraschino, Miss Kennedy, and Bayou Bettie, who'll be almost as shirtless as Billy. There'll also be a punk-rock Elvis roaming the grounds, as well as a Roy Orbison tribute sure to excite your twig and Wilburys, and cure your jones to hear a version of "Crying" that doesn't reference the loss of $1000 in ones.