4pm Saturday: Chambers Street Wines

148 Chambers St, between W Broadway and Greenwich; 212.227.1434; tasting runs from 4-7pm

Gratis salmon tapas from Zucker's next door, plus French vino (Muscadets, Sancerres, and Pouilly-Fumes) and one New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, critically acclaimed as "like having sex for the first time" -- so you'll finish it far too soon, then tell all your friends.

4:30pm: Tribeca Wine Merchants

40 Hudson St, between Duane and Thomas; 212.393.1400; 2-6pm

Small batch artisanal wines including Moutard Rose Champagne NV
, Wyatt Chardonnay 2007, 
Bret Brothers Macon Village 2007, 
Yellow and Blue Malbec
, Wyatt Pinot Noir
, Rodano Chianti, and 
Foxglove Zinfandel. (Ed. note: counterbalance pretentious listing of wines with good dong joke.)

5:30pm: Vestry Wines

65 Vestry St, at Washington; 212.810.2899; 11am-9pm

Glut yourself on Spanish wines during this 10hr tasting marathon. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you drink, you'll still get totally smoked by a Kenyan.

6pm: Le Du's Wine

600 Washington St, at Leroy; 212.924.6999; 3-6pm

Selected "high end" Italian Barolo varietals, known for their pungent aroma of "tar and roses" -- like the Colonial-era justice meted out by PFLAG's founding...fathers?

6:30pm: Sweet Revenge

62 Carmine St, at Bedford; 212.242.2240; 2-7pm

Gratis tastings of any two of three varietals (rose, chard, cab) at this subway-tiled bistro, which also serves craft Euro brews (Gruut, Weinstephaner), savory cakes like the ham & Jarlsberg croque monsieur, plus ridiculously rich cupcakes and $2 shots of frosting -- served in a martini glass, because even fat people like to feel cute.

7:30pm: IS-Wines

24 W 8th, between 5th Ave and MacDougal; 212.254.7800; 5-8pm

Chards and merlots exclusively from vineyards in Long Island -- you'll detect notes of bangs, followed by a subtle finish of riding the train in to wait in line at Marquee.