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Lolita Cocina & Tequila Bar
(now closed) Mexican so good, it should be illegal to have sex with

Looking to seduce you with its youthful, tender...carne asada!...is Lolita Cocina & Tequila Bar, opening today in SoFi with an S&M-set-ish labyrinth of sexy, candlelit, black chandelier-lined red chambers, a patio with spindly iron seating and a giant leather couch, plus rows of cages loaded with tequila, which explains why Johnny always had those party shades on

Foodwise, they're spicing things up enough to intimidate even the cowboys on those Pace commercials, with starters like sticky spare ribs slathered in a coffee bean chocolate, sesame, and orange glaze, queso fundido ("bubbling hot" asadero melted w/ chorizo, roasted poblanos, mushrooms & cilantro pesto), as well as lobster enchiladas and short rib nachos that're doused in jalapeno crema & chile-rubbed, for which they had their asses kicked by Usher

There're also hearty "principal platters" ranging from Mr. Belding, who’ll get loaded with college kids, then lay across your table a massive slab of garlic-marinated/guacamole-covered carne asada, a mango chimichurri bone-in rib eye, and a seared ahi tuna in a river of spicy mojo

As for that booze stuff, they're stocking over 120 tequilas (including highly affordable $100 shots!), will offer bottle service until 5a, and boast a full lineup of margs (the Broken Heart w/ two types of Patron, St. Germain, white grapes, raspberries). And best of all, every guest is greeted with a free fresh mint grapefruit granita with a splash of tequila to "give a little extra kick", just like Johnny if you tap C really, really hard.

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