From a couple San Franciscans, CF asked an incredibly impressive list of chefs from NYC (plus some less-great-but-still-kind-of-good markets like LA and Chi) for their tips on the best five dishes in their city, and turned their answers into an app that allows you to search by chef, food, or whatever's nearby, so hopefully they've tried the Cooler Ranch Doritos currently sitting on your couch. Some of the top chef's top choices include:
Marea's Fusilli w/ Octopus & Bone Marrow: The signature waist expander currently has the most consensus (Cafe Boulud's Gavin Kaysen, Gramercy Tavern's Michael Anthony, and Gotham Bar & Grill's Alfred Portale all recommend it), as it shows "just how complex and seductive pasta can be", so you could probably stand to learn a thing or two from it after it makes you all fat.
Hill Country's Brisket: Bill Telepan (of...Telepan) says to "make sure you get the moist versus the lean, because it has a good amount of fat", also something that can be said of your dates after the fusilli's instructions prove impossible to follow.
Le Bernardin's Taglioni w/ Sea Urchin and Caviar: A Scott Conant favorite, the Scarpetta savant describes it as "one of those dishes that makes you close your eyes and wanna slap somebody -- in a good way", so, like...on the ass?
You can also do cool internet-y stuff like sync it to your Facebook account, add dishes to a personalized itinerary, and rate what you've eaten, though the only thing that could possibly score better than Cooler Ranch Doritos is Cooler-er Ranch Doritos.