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Not to be confused with your future children, the sons of "eh" sex, Sons of Essex is a true neighborhood noshery in every sense of the word, charging local-friendly prices while painstakingly evincing the area's history as a cultural melting pot in both its menu and its decor. Whether you want a sandwich to-go or an Apple Crumb Pork Chop to stay, here's the breakdown:

The Deli: A fully functioning deli stocked by local vendors like Kossar's Bialys and Robicelli's (whoopie pies!) guards the restaurant proper, meaning to get inside you'll have to somehow pass by everything from barrels of Gus's Pickles to old-school lockers without getting stuffed.

The Barroom: The long wooden bar (sporting a vintage bread station on one end) features tons of Sixpoint brews (Sweet Action, Bengali Crisp, seasonal porters...), while a BK-sourced communal barn-wood table can handle anyone looking to snack whilst imbibing true originals like the Moscow Five Points (vodka, lime juice & Chinese five-spice powder w/ a float of wine) and, with help from the in-house "teaologist", the green tea & vodka Teddy Roosevelt, which will prevent any rough riding by eliminating your big stick.

The Dining Room: Getting its Bowery Boys meets Gangs of New York vibe from a collection of mix-n-match antique furniture, Tenement Museum photos, and a graffiti mural from Tats Cru, the 'hood's communities are repped by bites including Shepard's Pie Empanadas, maple-glazed hen & Belgian waffles, local beefsteak tomatoes layered w/ eggplant Parm, and Manischewitz-braised Four Question Short Ribs, which, when you attempt to sire children, all consist of "Wait, isn't The Rachel Zoe Project starting now?".

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